(The Loss of) My Virginity and Other Views on the Matter of Sex

I remember virginity being a HUGE deal to me throughout middle and high school. I was pressured by my family, teachers and the community to remain chaste... In high school we even had to sign "ATM" (abstinence 'til marriage) cards in our sex ed classes. We were told it was optional but, c'mon...

Due to all the nonsense I was told, I ended up feeling extremely closed minded about sex and intimacy as a whole. I thought it was dirty and I looked down on others who were starting their sexual journeys simply because that is what I was taught. Looking back now, I feel terrible for the pretentious and puritanical way in which I acted towards my peers who were just doing what is only natural. 

Needless to say, I did lose my V card eventually. Luckily, I lost it to someone I really cared (and still care) about. Although, let me just say now: PLANNING on losing your virginity is a big NO NO. Although we were definitely in love at the time and had been dating for years, the fact that we planned when and where to lose our virginities completely took the spark out of it and made the whole night absolute rubbish! And also, choosing to lose your virginity on Valentine's day is, well, a liiiiiittle over done. 

Well, after the big loss of my V card on that fateful V day, my horizons sure have broadened! I definitely don't think sex is bad or wrong or immoral any more. Now that doesn't mean I'm going to have sex with every Jim, Jack and John that walks through my door; in fact I don't ever plan on having sex with someone I don't really care about, but sex is an extremely personal thing- everyone has their own view on it. Some people may have sex with hundreds of people in their lifetime and some might only have sex with one, but either way it's an individual decision that people need to learn to respect. 

xoxo Mel

The House Always Wins



Or Do You ?



I have been in a heavily medicated trance for about four days now, hopping in and out of epson salt baths and being forced to wear panties in order to exude some sense of decensy at the chiropractors office; all these current factors have me feeling less than sexy. So i needed a while to summons the sex kitten that I hope liners deep within me.

I strongly believe sexuality is fueled by confidence, a confidence that I personally find altered when perfumed lightly yet notibly, when bare below for the sake of subtle rebellion and most of all when I am smooth and stuble free; not having to think twice about putting on the shortest of shorts!... dresses!!... skirts!!! ;)

The first time my sexuality ever manifested itself into a relationship I was sixteen, he was seventeen and insistent. At that moment I recognized resistance as my greatest turn on. As I have evolved and matured in more ways than the obvious, I have lost the thrill of the tease and the chase and have instead located pleasure in owning myself. I like waking up every morning without regret and equal or sometimes more pride. A lot of my friends used their sexuality as bate, but the fish will only stick around so long before it flees hungrily. They thought sex guaranteed the love they saught after and found shortly that the link between the two is weak and practically unexistant. Watching them be consumed and and left tainted, scarred by bites of previous lover only caused me to view sex as more of a gamble rather than an investment. Though I believe to have been smart with sex and my sexuality, owning myself longer than anyone in my family (immediate and not) has been able to and presenting myself as respectfully as anyone in this generation can does not mean I don't lust like the celibate preist taking in the kinky details of an adulterers sins.

Another thing that has come with age is the expectance of my experience, suitors desire to date me in hopes of eventually having me. Little do they know, no one has ever had me, and despite the sexuality they sense from me... I don't know how to be had. Though inexperience in itself is sometimes found that much more alluring, for me it is sometimes uncomfortable. Men/boys sometimes think you have been holding out your whole life for the likes of them... ??? And honestly, I think I have forgotten what/who exactly I was holding out for. I see myself dismiss some of the worst and even best of men/boys, prefering to seek refuge and comfort in my virginity. 

 However next month I will be twenty and the only person I am teasing is God, he probably thinks I am one more "I'm not ready" away from running into a convent :P

This is another thing in my life in which I have reached zero realizations about. I am just as lost at nineteen as I was at sixteen. My "the house always wins mentality" is still strong, I'm just wondering at what cost.

-Camii

(sorry for the late post, and i actually did it hours ago, i just forgot to sign my name like always :P)

Playing House

I am only nineteen and three failed relationsips into this game of chance and already I have sworn off marriage and children. One could say that the reservations that have built up within me like cancer were inevitable. For instance, the married couple in the photos that adorn my house are not my parents, and the smiles that in turn adorn their faces are not genuine. My mother had me with one man, two years later had my next sister with another and finally my three youngest sisters with the man who is now her husband (and i use the term man loosely). Most children are taught that one falls in love, marries in white and finally has children. I on the other hand shunned those expectations early on because I was experiencing a different reality. A backwards one that defied all of the things I was "supposed" to do, a reality product of love lost, abandonment, so called sin and empty marriage. I blame life's wry sence of humor for throwing five girls into the whirlwind that is my mothers love life. How could we ever be expected to survive; seemingly mission impossible.

I have been jockingly proposed to a number of times in my life and each time I have responded with some cliche soap opera/romantic comedy mimic or another. However, part of me dies just a tincy bit inside after each role play. I am above all else a realist and I understand how hard it really is to locate and maintain true love and how much harder it is to keep believing in the ideal of a soul mates. "Playing house" is as close as I feel most people these days ever get to a happy marriage and it's disheartening when we are forced to leave our scripted fantasies in order to read the latest statistics.

These statistics have the power to spark fear, to promote doubt and even diminish hope. My opinion on marriage is : Who Cares. Don't say when I'm older and I get married, instead say when I'm older and I am in Love ... because that is what made marriage so speacial in the first place, the unconditional love that it promised. If I have learned anything it is not to fear love but to be careful with it.  

Camii

I Will Not Be a Statistic

In Plato's The Symposium, he presented the theory of soul mates with the story of humans who originally had four legs, four arms, and two heads. Zeus, threatened by their power, tore humans in two each, condemning them to search their whole lives for their other half in order to complete one another. Well, let's just say that my parents weren't one of those lucky couples to find their missing arms and legs and they promptly divorced when I was seven years old after fourteen years of fighting. 

My parents are 1 out of every 2 couples in the United States who get divorced each year, in fact, you could argue that the statistics say marriage isn't logical or even rational when you look at the numbers. But if you look at the facts, bees shouldn't be able to fly either.

At that point in my life, I didn't know too much about it. I knew what divorce was, what marriage was, and understood a basic concept of what Love entailed. But I was seven, so naturally I didn't understand that much. As I've gotten older though and grown up in the wake of my parents splitting (quite messily, I might add), I've started to see things in a somewhat newer perspective. I ended up turning into a bit of a hopeless romantic as I got older and I started to think about Love on a much deeper level, what it meant to be "In Love," how you'd feel, what you'd think, if you'd feel different -- I ended up falling in Love once, well, at least that's what I thought it was. I can never be too sure.

My father's parents have been married for 53 years, my mother's (less happily than my father's) for 47, my Aunt and her husband dated for 25 years before finally getting married to one another at a seaside ceremony about a year ago, while my mother and father have found their own respective new loves who have weathered through the years with them. One couple that my parents have known for over two and a half decades have been together since they were 16 and 17 -- they're now in their late 70s. How did they do it? I wish I knew, but I know they had one method I plan on applying in the future. Whenever they fought, they refused to go to bed angry with one another. They would never fight and go to bed having said something cold to one another before sleeping should something happen. They'd go for days without sleeping, often ending in mutual apologies from sleep deprivation. For as crazy as it seems though, it worked. They have a successful farm, operated two businesses, and raised three children.

But for all of that and all the prospective dating and potential suitors that have come and gone, I've only had one person remain as a constant partner in my life and that's really convinced me of a couple things in regards to marriage. Ironically, he's the first person I thought I loved, who my friends often remark is perfect for me or how he and I are clearly meant for each other, and has been with me longer than most of my high school friends. We recently spoke lightly about marriage, the prospect of it, and I said something to the effect of this:

"Most girls I know have planned their weddings down to the flowers since they were little, I haven't. I never even thought about getting married seriously and I don't want to, not unless I'm 100% sure I won't get divorced. I'm not going to get married and have kids just so it can fall apart. I want to be as sure as I can that it's going to work."

His response was almost identical -- his children will never go through what he has.

I don't know when I came to this conclusion exactly or even, but I've stood by it. I'm not going to let myself become a statistic. I won't allow myself to haphazardly get married to someone which is what seems to be the biggest problem for people. I'm going to be sure, I'm going to know that they're the one for me even if it takes years for us to get it right, and I won't lose them no matter what the fight because I will never fall subject to the 1 in 2 statistic that plagues American couples. I expect fighting and sleepless nights, cold words and troubled times, but I don't plan on getting divorced and I'll find someone with those same values.

I saw this post on Tumblr today. It said this....

I've Always Wanted...

A Story like Jack & Rose

A Kiss like Spiderman & Mary-Jane

A Fight like Elizabeth & Darcy

A Friendship like Ron & Hermione

A Connection like Robbie & Julia

A Dance like Troy & Gabriella

A Strength like Edward & Bella

A Secret like Romeo & Juliet

An End like Noah & Allie

And with that in mind, I'll end this post with a video that sets me off bawling every time I watch it.

Hope everyone has a nice week and my apologies if this runs into Tuesday -- I spent the day with my aunt and her girls who leave tomorrow afternoon for San Jose.

Vicki xx

Marry Me

Marry Me by Train
"Forever can never be long enough for me  Feel like I've had long enough with you  Forget the world now we won't let them see  But there's one thing left to do  Now that the weight has lifted  Love has surely shifted my way  Marry Me  Today and every day  Marry Me  If I ever get the nerve to say  Hello in this cafe  Say you will  Mm-hmm  Say you will  Mm-hmm  Together can never be close enough for me Feel like I am close enough to you  You wear white and I'll wear out the words I love  And you're beautiful  Now that the wait is over  And love and has finally shown her my way  Marry me  Today and every day  Marry me  If I ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe  Say you will  Mm-hmm  Say you will Mm-hmm  Promise me  You'll always be  Happy by my side  I promise to  Sing to you  When all the music dies  And marry me  Today and everyday  Marry me  If I ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe  Say you will  Mm-hmm  Say you will  Marry me  Mm-hmm"

Marriage. Marriage means a lot to different people. Some people don't even believe in marriage. Me? I do. I believe in love. In fate. In companions. Marriage is very important to me. It's about finding that right person to spend your life with. To make a family with. To cherish and to hold. To take care of and be taken care of. About making a house and a living together. Does it matter if that person is a man or a woman? Not to me. It matters if that person is right for you. Do they complete you? Do they make you want to be better? Do they inspire you? Do they make you feel alive? Do they make you happy? Do they love you? And most importantly, do you love them?

It's a lot to think about and a lot to put on a checklist, but marriage is nothing to take for granted. Yes it's about romance and security and a whole bunch of things but it is also about you. You need to have a checklist otherwise who knows what you'll be getting yourself into. I couldn't imagine marrying someone that I didn't love and didn't love me as much or more. My husband (yes, husband. but if I was gay I'd have a wife. I don't discriminate) will make me happy. He will complement me and complete me. We will be made for each other. There will be romance. There will be security with each other. That doesn't mean that it's about the money, but we will secure each other. Take care of each other. Have a family.

I had this plan when I was younger. Married by 22 and have my first child by 24. That's obviously not going to happen. I mean, I guess it could, but it's not realistic. My boyfriend, Sean, I can see myself marrying him and spending the rest of my life with him. And yes, there is a possibility that we could get married in the next few years. Engaged, most definitely. But it's also about compromising. He may be ready to call me his and marry me but he's not ready for children any time soon. After we get married he'd like for it to be just us two for a little bit. And it makes sense. Newlyweds do need their time for each other. And I would like to be married for at least 2 years before having kids. So, I will sacrifice what I want and have it at a later time rather than not having it all. You do that when you're in love. He sacrifices a lot for me as well.

Marriage is very important to me. Some people think that it's just a piece of paper. But to me, it's so much more. It's a pledge of love and commitment. It's a special bond. One of my biggest fears is not getting married. Am I the only one in that boat?


Anyways, just some rambling about marriage =]
xo
Stephanie


P.S. Have a good week, everyone!