Shallow(ness)

(I realize this is going to be a long post; but I have to make it up to you guys for not posting the past couple of weeks. I realize if you don't want to read this but it is a very important posting, I promise you that. And please, excuse some of the vulgar language I use.)

My dad and I when I was 3, at my uncle's wedding.

I think it is very interesting that this week's theme is Shallowness. I have been thinking and thinking about what to write this week and it hit me; my dad. Today would have been his 47th birthday. Now, I know you are all wondering... why would she talk about her dad during a week of shallowness? Well, the answer, my friends, is the fact his second wife (my ex-step-monster) drove him to the depression that he was in when he decided to take his life. Now, not many people know the extent of what had happened but I am willing to share it with all of you because my ex-step-monster was a shallow piece of ass, pardon my language. She was a rotten person. Only my closest friends and family know what happened but here goes.

My parents had gotten a divorce back in '97 and it tore me apart. My dad had cheated on my mom and my mom had asked him to cut all ties with the bitch who stole him away but he couldn't because she brainwashed him. So, since my dad couldn't give my mom 100% of him in their relationship, she left. She didn't want to be stuck in a loveless marriage and I don't blame her. I would have done the same thing. However, my mother never stopped loving my father. If he had ever wanted to come back, she would have taken him back.

I cried on the day my dad married that wicked witch (granted she hadn't shown her true colors to me, but she wasn't my mother). I was a part of the wedding (Jr. Bridesmaid) and I remember the plane ride up to Minnesota with my aunt and uncle and my brother. I remember crying the whole time up there. I didn't want my dad to get remarried but there was nothing I could do about it because I was only 8 years old.

As the years went on, I lost a lot of contact with not only my father but with my father's family. I had no idea why we were losing contact, but we did. I did find out why after my dad died, but I'll get to that in a little bit. I saw my dad maybe once a year and talked to him maybe once a month unless it was a holiday or a special day. As the years went on, I started missing my father more and more. In 2006, he had moved from Minnesota to Colorado. It was hard enough that he was in Minnesota and I was in Illinois, but now Colorado? I couldn't drive out to Colorado like I could to Minnesota. I saw my dad once in Colorado... and it was for a long weekend... 4 days at max.

The last time I saw my dad alive was on May 27th, 2008. It was for my High School Graduation and we had gotten into a huge fight. I had kept so much in me that it finally just blew up. I remember yelling at him at how I didn't feel like I had a father anymore because he was barely in my life. I was 18 at the time and I do regret this fight. I remember both of us crying and I wish I hadn't said any of that. Around August 11th, 2008, or so, we had gotten into another fight because I needed help financially for college. Another fight I regret having because a short week later my dad committed suicide. The last words I had said to him were not, "I love you" they were words of anger.

And here's where the shallowness comes in::

We rushed out to Colorado (me, my mom, my brother, and my grandpa) to go to the memorial service. My mother was not allowed in the church because my ex-step-monster's true colors were finally revealed. She was the one who confronted my dad's family that they had to cut ties with us in order for my dad's second marriage to work. She was the one who brainwashed my dad to move far away from me and my brother so that we weren't a part of his life as much. She was the one who only married my father as a "ten year plan" and then was going to divorce him. She was the one who caught him attempting suicide a week before he succeeded and did nothing about it to help him. She is a shallow, inconsiderate, spawn of satan, bitch. She brainwashed my dad into taking me and my brother out of the insurance money so that we were left with nothing after he died. I can barely afford college but she can go ahead and get botox and her fucking nose job. Really? How shallow can one person be? She drove my father into the worst kind of depression ever. She made him feel like a piece of shit. He didn't feel loved by her. He wasn't happy because of her. All she could think about is "me, me, me, me." She didn't think about her kids.

Me at my dad's grave; where I covered up her name with grass.

So, today is my dad's birthday and it has been three years since he has died. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him or apologize to him about the things I said and pray that I wasn't any help into his decision to kill himself. I miss him, a lot. And the only reason I am able to cope is that I have a wonderful support system from my family, friends, and loving boyfriend.

I could have talked about people who are shallow and have check lists of what type of people they are going to marry; but, I felt that this was more appropriate because it is an experience I have gone through and much more shallow can you be than my raging thundercunt of an ex-step-monster?

Hope you all have a wonderful week and I hope none of you have these kinds of people in your life; and if you do, my advice to you is to run. Don't let them control you. Just leave.

xoxo
Stephanie

Peole Are Just People

Shallowness; it's a two way street.

Just Beautiful <3

So I am nineteen and dorm at college. It is a small campus, very intimate classes and in a way it seems like high school all over again. Since our school does not accommodate tens of thousandths of other students it is easy to hear and start gossip about anyone and everyone. Gossip is a very common thing but here the details are never scarce and you end up knowing the first and last name of that person, what unit they live in and what their blood type is... jk :P

For instance no one likes the soccer team. The mens/womans soccer team sticks together like a wolf pack. hardly do they visit the outside world and when they do it is not for long or not very welcome. Of course this is all from my perspective. Soccer has become their identifier and they are fine with that. I felt their cocky aura as soon as I started attending here. They projected a repulsive sense of entitlement and I could not understand why they felt obligated to do so. However most of the feelings and thoughts I associated with them were simply assumed or anticipated ones. I tend to shun before anyone even has the chance to shun me. I decided early on that I would want nothing to do with them because of their superficial and shallow reputations. For so long I believed I was the better person. I believed that because I did not find them appealing in the least and because I was not tempted to somehow dive into the ego that would envelop me the moment we became friends that I was maturing. I actually decided that I was in a way engaging in some warped type of reverse "shallowness". Not even considering giving them the opportunity to present themselves individually and categorizing them as I would objects rather than people made me shallow. I exuded the same superiority I labeled them with... contradiction? I think so.

And how did i come to that conclusion up there you ask?
Well, just recently I started actually socializing with a couple of them and even found one in the roster of my more challenging classes. And wouldn't you have guessed it... they are quite the normal people. For so long I had a saying " People Are Just People", whenever I am intimidated by someone or when I can't find the courage to introduce myself to anyone, I tell myself just that; People are just people. Meaning, no one is too special for someone else. No one is above anyone else. This is the real world we are living in, there are not certain prerequisites one meets before relationships/friendships can be established. We all have emotions, doubts, aspirations, fears... basically we all feel. Although there may be that one case where someone really is not kind at all, we must still give humanity the benefit of the doubt.

What a tangled web we weave when it comes to refraining from shallowness :)
-Camii