Thursday, September 29, 2011

Pretty on the Outside, Beautiful on the Inside

First off, just wanted to mention a milestone: I got my first comment on my beauty blog!!! YAAAY.  Isn't it just so satisfying when people show real interest in what you're writing? Wink wink.  

I've been thinking lately a really depressing thought.  People who are more symmetrical, less spotty, skinnier, paler, more sleek...those are the people who are going to successful, aren't they? I've always been afraid that I could never be beautiful because I'm Chinese American.  There's just no way for me to fit into the Hollywood mold of "pretty" that I'm surrounded by in Los Angeles.  Just no way.  But then I heard something that really made me smile: 
The difference between being pretty and being beautiful is that pretty just sits on your outside like a coat of foundation.  Being beautiful means you're beautiful through every fiber of your being.
That makes sense, doesn't it? It explains how people who are charismatic are also seen as pretty attractive.  And I think charisma is so much more important than physical outward beauty.  January Jones can pluck and primp and Wonder-bra herself all she likes but if she's still a bitch, then I will never think she's really "beautiful." 

It's my hope that people try to shine from the inside, which will translate to a beautiful glow on the outside.  Has anybody else ever noticed how when someone is truly, truly happy, they kind of glow a little bit? A little smile tugs at the corner of their mouth, their face is just lit up like a lightbulb, their eyes are shining, and they always look like they're happy at an inside joke they're having with themselves? I know because I get that way whenever I go to Disneyland or watch Doctor Who.  

You know what mystifies me? How my perception of beauty is not completely skewed by my obsession with Disney.  
I want to straighten out the Disney + Beauty relationship.  People all over the USA have for years been condemning Disney for promoting an "unhealthy" image of beauty.  But let's evaluate this.  1) They're 2-D.  And then when you get to Enchanted, when Amy Adams portrayed a live-action Disney princess (not technically an official Disney princess though), she had flab.  During "That's How You Know", she lifted her arms into the air and there was definite atonality in the tricep area if you get what I'm sayin'.  But she was still beautiful because her persona was kind and charming and, well, a Disney princess-ish type.  2) I have a feeling the people who are condemning Disney's portrayal of women's waists have children who weren't old/mature/smart enough to realize that this is not a normal, realistic expectation for our waists.  Do you know why women had to stop wearing corsets? The corset was morphing their bodies and squidging all their organs into the space where only their abdomen and bladders should be.  Tha's not healthy.  Corsets were also being strung so tight that they would crack ribs.  And that's really the only way to get a waist like Ariel's.  Well, unless you are crazy skinny like this woman.  She's a friend of a friend, and I suspect she works really, really, really hard to get her body in that spankin' condition.  She does a smashing Slave Leia, too.  If you got it, amirite?  

I'm not going to end this by saying that everyone is beautiful.  I firmly believe that you can't be beautiful if you're mean to others or your priorities are screwed up or something in your psyche makes you unkind to others.  Beauty is such a subjective thing, it's totally in the eye of the beholder as Plato says.  But really, I believe the only way to be truly, really, definitely beautiful is to start on the inside, by which I mean your mind and soul.  This isn't to say go out and donate all your life savings to Oxfam or PETA.  Nonono don't do that.  But maybe take a moment to realize just how lucky you are, the ways which your life doesn't suck.  I'll give you an example: 
  • I'm about to miss the deadline to turn in the budget form for this organization I suddenly found out I'm the executive vp of, but I don't owe these people anything.  If I don't get it done in time, then whatever on that.  
  • My family lives 20 minutes away from where I go to school so I can go see them whenever I want. 
  • I'm able to hook up my computer to the huge HD tv screen that comes with my apartment so I'm watching Finding Nemo while writing this on a huge HD screen.  
  • I don't have class until 3:30 tomorrow.  So I'll probably wake up in time to put makeup on! I'm thinking a cafe latte lip and a Fall/Autumn-inspired eye, goldy-burgundy shade.  Pleasing to the eye and such :). 
I am so pleased by these things that my happiness will just shine through my skin.  And it's infectious.  Just ask the security guard who returns a smile at me whenever I leave the building to go to class.  So let your happiness shine through your skin, that's a sure-fire way to work towards beautiful! I'll end my post with this poem that happened to be a favorite of Audrey Hepburn's.
For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge you'll never walk alone.
People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived,  reclaimed, and redeemed; Never throw out anybody.
Remember, If you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.
The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the  figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole, but true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows, and the beauty of a woman with passing years only grows!

Monday, September 26, 2011

Our Beauty's Potential is Tamed By The Beast That is Our Society

On a philisophical level I agree most definitely with Aristotle's theory stating that beauty is an "excellence dependent upon particular relations". However, some of the best insights come from the guy a couple dorms away. I asked him simply to speak on "beauty" and after a couple stutters and "I don't knows" came wisdom. I polished and shaped his unfinished sentences into this,  " I believe beauty is derived from within. One necessary variable for achieving inner beauty is having a good heart". Sure it didn't come out just like that but maybe I speak Dude ;)

One Examply Of Organized Vanity

What he said was nothing new to my ears, it was actually all too familiar... but it filled me with calm to know boys (He would probably prefer I use the word men)...  men are at least somewhat aware of the fact true beauty is within and outer beauty fades. For as much as woman like to complain about not being appreciated for our souls and kindness, we are just as guilty as the pig headed men we complain about. Never do we oppose chasing after perfection. We pluck and straighten/curl and draw on the faces of the woman we praise in magazines. "If you can't beat them join them", this phrase lingers in the back of my mind like the smell of acetone in the shops of asian woman who promise to primp and alter everything they believe is in the way of me aquiring a boyfriend. And most of us prefer to join them rather than take a stand against organized vanity.

Who We Fear Society Will See When They Look At Us

This woman had inner beauty to spare in my opinion. She let nature take over her body and she remained strong, she was confident in the way we can't be unless we have spent hours achieving a certain look. My final take on beauty is that it starts in your mind and not your eyes or genitals. Beauty is something that I find impossible to define. It means something completely different to every individual. For instance, beauty varies from culture to culture. Imagine the positive change we would see in the self esteem of girls if we simply decided to have a deeper sense of beauty rather than the shallow perspectives we have grown up with. At the end of the day you ultimately decide whether you are beautiful, your eyes are the beholders of your own beauty. If you accept yourself, love yourself and respect yourself then  your oppoortunities will be limitless.


Sunday, September 25, 2011


Life is beautiful. The ebbs and flows are so wonderful. There maybe some patchy waves at times but they always seem to find a more comfortable flow after some time.  I'm not going to lie it gets a bit rough at times to deal with the waves. But in hindsight it is oh so beautiful to see how individuals power through or fall to the bottom. It is especially glorious when the end result is a happy, healthy person.

I enjoy learning from the experiences of life. It may be the artist in me. Don't get me wrong I can't draw worth a penny.  But I have always viewed artists as those that have a creative mind. That love the expression of ideas, however they may come. I love music for that very reason. Having an artistic mind draws me to things like  photography or other art forms such as paintings, movies, music, and we cannot forget the ever so passionate written word. Life seeps through all the mediums of art. I think it is those creative minds that crave the ebb and flow, the rocky waves, and silent lulls. They all have a purpose.
There is such beauty in all of that.  I get so excited in my heart when I get to read or listen to music. It is really very hard to describe. When I get to spend time with my family and it is oh so beautiful,  I want to bubble with happiness. That is beauty to me. When I listen to a band and feel my heart beating with the music and I need everyone to not talk because I just want to feel it. That is beauty to me. Getting a photograph of the turning leaves fall from a tree is another beauty.

I could go on and on. But mainly, I feel (at this point in my life, at least) beauty is more than a perfect body. I think someone is beautiful when they glow with happiness or passion. I think a beautiful body is one that is taken care of...not chiseled away because fat is thought to be ugly. Some of the most beautiful people I know don't have the most "perfect" bodies. I see beauty in colors and words and things that express the everyday life.

There is so much to find beauty in. I know not every day we will find beauty or feel beautiful. But it sure is there. It's when you notice it that it becomes that amazing feeling.

Disney Princesses

I love love love Disney films. Mostly the 2-D movies I grew up watching constantly. It makes me sad how Disney doesn't make their films in 2-D anymore. I feel like more time and love went into those films as opposed to churning out as many films they can possible produce. (Toy Story trilogy and Tangled are awesome though!) My favorite Disney songs are "Part of Your World", "If I Never Knew You", "A Whole New World", and the entire soundtrack of Mulan and Hercules. Your singing is so pretty Éli~!

The Disney Princess I am most like is Belle. A total bookworm who is bored with the small town she lives in.  A caregiver, always looking after her family. I like Disney's portrayal of Beauty & the Beast the best. Others' versions paint Belle as weak and passive. But Disney's Belle stands up for herself, even to a beast who is obviously superior in physical strength. And she is loyal through and through.

My Brother & Me 93'

Since I work at a fabric store, lots of parents are coming in with their children to buy fabric and patterns for their Disney costumes. Rapunzel and Alice is pretty popular due to the recent movies. But it's nice to see kids wanting to be the oldies. Just today a little girl and her brother were getting costumes made of Belle and Beast. Disney is ageless. I enjoy them as much as the first time I saw them when I was little.

<3 Tiff

Walt Disney and his Princesses

Right off the bat, check this out if you haven't:
Then go to the comments and see if you can find all the idiots slamming the Snow White and Pocahontas girls for being Asian American.  Really disgusting stuff, I was so upset. 

I have....a lot of biographies on Walt Disney.  Besides John Williams, Walt Disney is my hero.  I've written papers on him and gotten A+ on them.  I think I own maybe 5 biographies.  I won't even acknowledge that Walt Disney: Hollywood's Dark Prince trash because it's just one disgruntled journalist's sullying cash-grab.  Can't stand it.  The fact is...I owe Disney my happiness.  I was part of "that generation", not even "that generation" but that age group.  I was raised on Disney.  The animated Disney films of the 1990's and before didn't give me twisted perceptions of body image or unrealistic expectations about marriage (as in to princes) because I'm not stupid.  Disney isn't even about escape.  What Walt Disney really wanted was to improve the world.  And you could see in his films, that was his mission.  

Here's a list of Disney films I feel everyone should have seen just to know them, not in any particular order:
  • Snow White
  • Sleeping Beauty 
  • Cinderella 
  • Beauty and the Beast 
  • The Lion King
  • Hercules
  • Mulan
  • Hunchback of Notre Dame 
  • The Little Mermaid 
  • Pocahontas 
  • Tangled
  • The Princess and the Frog 
  • Fantasia 
  • Make Mine Music 
  • Peter Pan
  • Alice in Wonderland
  • Aladdin 
  • Mary Poppins 
If it seems like I listed basically all of them, that's because I did.  I watched all of these in 2009 when I was feeling lost and lonely at (where else?!) Boston University.  It saved my sanity.  It completely changed me.  I live and breathe Disney.  I actually want to write my next paper in my advanced writing class about something related to Disney, perhaps the psychology of the songs or the racial issues in the movies--it has always grilled my hamburger so badly that Mulan is never included in the Disney princesses. 
Where's Pocahontas?! 

And I'm sure every girl has thought of it, and if they haven't, they will now.  "Which Disney princess am I most like?" I've known this for years.  I think since I was 14.  I'm most like Princess Jasmine.  Hands-down.  No contest.  Maybe a little bit Tiana, a little bit Rapunzel, being super ambitious (so much so I feel like I have no friends sometimes), and stuck in my house kept away from, well, everything.  But I'm like Princess Jasmine because, get this, my father figure is super powerful and my family is upper middle class.  In LA, that's pretty good, because our state is pretty durn bankrupt right now l.o.l., anyway.  My dad expects me to marry a certain type of guy (aka Chinese American), but I secretly want to marry whoever I want (shh don't tell him).  Then in high school, a half Chinese half white guy who comes from a less fortunate family than mine (his struggling musician parents had a really ugly awkward split so he basically did everything for himself) took an interest in me and basically tried to get me to do all these things that just sounded really out of the box to me.  Going out past 10pm?! What the heck?! Going to get frozen yogurt at Old Town instead of going straight home after school? Crazy! SOUND FAMILIAR?! It should, because that's basically Princess Jasmine's deal.  This guy was my Aladdin. 

I.  am.  Princess Jasmine. 

Oh Disney, you and your watermark...
If I could, I would hire myself out as a Disney expert.  I want to work for the Walt Disney corporation as a Disney history and culture expert.  WOULDN'T THAT BE SO COOL?! I would totally do that.  Just to show how obsessed I am with Disney, I'm going to embed some tracks of myself singing some Disney songs in Mandarin for my extra credit project in my Chinese V class.  I think I spent 5 hours singing nonstop; you can kinda tell in "Part of Your World".  I am so brave for doing this....take a gander:
Part of Your World (Mandarin):
God Help the Outcasts (Mandarin):
Colors of the Wind (Mandarin): had no idea what I was singing, I was just doing it phonetically. Real Love. Live & Breathe.

Also major apologies for being late.  I've got an origins of humanity midterm tomorrow that I haven't even started studying for....maybe I'm not like Tiana...x).  Toodles! 


Saturday, September 24, 2011


Sorry for the late post, I've been super sick the past couple of days. Hope everyone else is doing good, I have no idea where everyone else has been. But if it seems to be too much of a deal, it looks to me like we might have to get some new people in here.

Anyways, Disney. I am a HUGE fan of Disney. Every single time I am at the mall, I have to go in there! More than half of my presents from my boyfriend are from the Disney Store:: (Stuffed Flounder, Stuffed Ariel, Stuffed Pascal (the chameleon from Tangled) and the movie Tangled). When my parent's got a divorce my dad gave me a present from the Disney Store. It was a Little Mermaid Snow Globe. I still have it. And it is still one my most treasured items.

Even though the idea of Disney (the fairy tale part of it) is not very ideal... the stories are still wonderful. They have meaning, action, love, etc. There are so many adaptations to Disney stories within movie and book form.

My favorite Disney movie today would be Tangled. =] I love it! As a small child it was The Little Mermaid. In High School it was Sleeping Beauty. However, I have loved all of the Disney movies. I still watch the Disney channel (for Wizards of Waverly Place). =] I know I am such a dorky kid at heart. =]

One of my favorite things from Tangled, other than Pascal, would be the part where they have all of the floating lanterns. I have always wanted to see that in person and/or be a part of a floating lantern. It's so romantic and beautiful. It just looks awesome!

One of my favorite Disney songs would definitely be Poor Unfortunate Souls
Me and my friend, Aaron blast it in our cars all the time <3


Monday, September 19, 2011

Belated Career Post, Overbubbling emotions

Sorry for the late post, guys.  A lot of crap has been happening and I never though this would happen to me but I literally haven't had time among the emotional blah and schoolwork to fit in a nice post here.  But yeah.  Careers.  Let's tackle something here. 


Do grades really matter? I'm a junior in college and I'm already burnt out.  I spent this past weekend feeling blue and depressed and lost.  Completely lost.  I know what I want to do for my career.  I want to go into film.  But this past weekend, I felt so burnt out that I couldn't even bring myself to do any homework even though I had the whole weekend and the whole apartment to myself to do it.  Instead I watched episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and binge-ate a whole pizza plus cinnamon sticks.  And now I'm paying for it today.  And the only word I could find to describe my feelings is that I feel "lost."  I just don't know where to go from here to get myself back to that ambitious "I'm going to effing get it done" attitude I had before. 

I'm going to try to put together a "Motivational Folder" full of past assignments I've done and letters from my friends saying they loved me which hopefully will help get back up on the horse.  What are some ways you guys deal when feeling the pressure to succeed is too much?
Disney makes me think of the theme from a couple weeks ago: childhood.

Disney has it's own little string that tugs at several of my heart strings. I think a lot of people can say that... especially those of you, like many scorpios, that are in touch with the multi-layered nature of their emotions and memories.

Disney immediately invokes a thread of memories along the trail of my childhood. They all were insignificant and wonderful. Most people can say that though right? I don't think my feelings about this are much different than others.

It is probably true for a lot of people that the Disney place in their heart is where their innocence lays. It almost always brings a smile to my face. If there isn't a smile on my face I probably wasn't paying attention at all and you should repeat yourself.

A lot of memories that Disney invokes include my friends (whom were also my neighbors: Sean and Laurel) and my sister. We used to watch Fantasia on a regular basis. There was on particular part of that movie that freaked me out to no end without fail every time. It was the dinosaur part. I don't really think I can explain anything else about it because I made it a point to leave the room promptly when I knew it was coming up next.

There is another movie all of us became enthralled with for a VERY long period of time. The movie: The Lion King. The obsession: the soundtrack.

We put on NUMEROUS performances for our parents, siblings, the air that was surroundings us, our imaginary friends, etc. Gosh, I can recall those moments so easily. They make me smile so big in my heart, but also makes my heart a little heavy. 

How wonderful it was to be young. The biggest of our worries was weather to do the Mufasa song or not that day. Now, things are a lot different. I don't even speak to Sean (the boy neighbor). And well... the biggest reason, honestly, is that Laurel and her mother were killed in a car accident in February of 1999. Both of our families distanced ourselves from one another. Probably because too much pain was involved.


Ironically, before I read that of the theme and thought of it's connections I was having a fun time with my sister waiting in the car at the drive-thru window of a local hot-dog diner. We were kidding around, being total goofs. I peer over and there is a man with a white beard and LOTS of white hair. I notice he is staring at me. And I turn back to my sister and say (in a really weird, loud, funny voice), "There's an old man staring at us!"

My sister looks at me like... um, Tracey what? But she says something that changes the tone. 

"Tracey, you know who that is. Don't you?"

I look more carefully this time.

Oh God. *heart sinks*

It's was Laurel and Sean's father. 


So, I thought it funny when immediately all my thoughts about this week's theme involved that lovely family. That aside, let me just simply state... I love Disney movies.... Disney anything really. I remember one of the times Stephanie and I were downtown we were walking past a Disney store. I asked her if we should go look. 

Short story shorter she concluded we would be WAY too tempted by everything in there to make that a wise decision.

Have a great week everyone!
<3 trixierambler

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Working 9 to 5~

Ever since I was thirteen years old I knew I wanted to be a psychologist. Weird, right? Before the age of thirteen I went through many career options: stay-at-home mother, R.N. (like my mother), lawyer, graphic design, then settled on psychology.  It honestly all started with television shows like Law & Order:SVU. I became facinated with B.D. Wong's character's job- forensic psychologist. It was the first time I heard of psychology being mixed in with criminal justice.  The human mind and behaviors facinate me. What motivates us? Why do some deviate from the 'norm'? I engrossed myself in other TV shows and books about psychology.

Now that my graduation date is approaching fast, I'm suddenly not in that certain "I know what I'm gonna do" thirteen-year-old me mindset.  Though criminal-profiling and forensic psychology still facinates me, I think now I may want to focus more on clinical psychology. I've grown more into helping people on a person-to-person level than putting away the baddies. But I know for certain I do not want to be a researcher, I've had enough of statistics for these past three  years- I don't want it to be my life. Decisions, decisions....

Looking back at my college years, I wish I became more involved in school activities. Y'know, maybe live on campus,  go to more hockey games, maybe join a club. College has really been a blur, it went by so fast. On the other hand I wish I had taken a year off before college. A little self-exploration. Go on road-trips, travel abroad.  Hopefully I'll do that before graduate school. Because there will be years of graduate school. OTL  All I can say is I can't wait to get out of retail!

<3 Tiff

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Ca Ca Careers?!

Seeing as I spent thousands of dollars and am, furthermore, in debt thousands and thousands of dollars it frustrates me to not have a career after earning my Bachelor's degree with a major in journalism and a minor in political science.
A couple friends and I being a little excited about graduating

It would be easy to just explain that I had an internship at PBS in Washington, D.C. I was on both the National Communication Honor Society and National Political Science Honor Society. I was treasurer for the NCHS my senior year. I was the new section editor and the assistant to the executive editor for my university newspaper. I worked for the radio station and the television station while studying there.  I also spent a year as the public relations assistant for the library on our campus that actually resided as the local library in that town as well. I could keep going on and on about the things I worked hard to obtain, but that isn't what this is about.

I spent those years working towards a journalism degree while getting experience in all areas of communication. Except after I graduated I got a temporary job at the local newspaper as the assistant news editor. I was only working one day a week because this was a new position that they created for me and they didn't quite know what to do with me. So after several months I decided to resign from my position. I realized this is not where my passion for writing was taking me.

This realization that I didn't have a passion to be a reporter was quite an important aspect to me. But so far from what I started my college career thinking.

My roommate and one of my very best friends likes to tell the story of the first time I met her husband. I was hanging out with them and he asked if I was one of the girls that went to that school to get my M. R. S. degree (which actually was a common goal since I attended a small, private Christian school). I responded with a resounding, "NO. I am a CAREER driven woman!" I have always been really driven.

I have found after college that I can't just pursue a career in journalism because that is what I went for at the time. I have experience in many other areas and I am trying to figure out a way to be able to write and be creative with my career life. That may seem lofty and close-minded. But in my mind it is quite the opposite. I think it is open-minded to go outside of the box. I am just a little bit particular that I want to be able to be creative and write without being a reporter.

I am already living my career in a way. I am collaborating on a book with fellow blogger Stephanie, and I have these blogs and several writing outlets. I have a part-time job to pay the bills and save. Hopefully, I will be able to save enough to take this communications internship with an environmental group in California.

For a while I was depressed about things not going the way I wanted them to. But I realized that there are ways to be still doing what I want while working and earning money. I continue to search for jobs, but at this point I can't say I have that much to complain about.

I suppose that goal-oriented person I started college with definitely never left.

<3 trixierambler

Thursday, September 8, 2011


(I realize this is going to be a long post; but I have to make it up to you guys for not posting the past couple of weeks. I realize if you don't want to read this but it is a very important posting, I promise you that. And please, excuse some of the vulgar language I use.)

My dad and I when I was 3, at my uncle's wedding.

I think it is very interesting that this week's theme is Shallowness. I have been thinking and thinking about what to write this week and it hit me; my dad. Today would have been his 47th birthday. Now, I know you are all wondering... why would she talk about her dad during a week of shallowness? Well, the answer, my friends, is the fact his second wife (my ex-step-monster) drove him to the depression that he was in when he decided to take his life. Now, not many people know the extent of what had happened but I am willing to share it with all of you because my ex-step-monster was a shallow piece of ass, pardon my language. She was a rotten person. Only my closest friends and family know what happened but here goes.

My parents had gotten a divorce back in '97 and it tore me apart. My dad had cheated on my mom and my mom had asked him to cut all ties with the bitch who stole him away but he couldn't because she brainwashed him. So, since my dad couldn't give my mom 100% of him in their relationship, she left. She didn't want to be stuck in a loveless marriage and I don't blame her. I would have done the same thing. However, my mother never stopped loving my father. If he had ever wanted to come back, she would have taken him back.

I cried on the day my dad married that wicked witch (granted she hadn't shown her true colors to me, but she wasn't my mother). I was a part of the wedding (Jr. Bridesmaid) and I remember the plane ride up to Minnesota with my aunt and uncle and my brother. I remember crying the whole time up there. I didn't want my dad to get remarried but there was nothing I could do about it because I was only 8 years old.

As the years went on, I lost a lot of contact with not only my father but with my father's family. I had no idea why we were losing contact, but we did. I did find out why after my dad died, but I'll get to that in a little bit. I saw my dad maybe once a year and talked to him maybe once a month unless it was a holiday or a special day. As the years went on, I started missing my father more and more. In 2006, he had moved from Minnesota to Colorado. It was hard enough that he was in Minnesota and I was in Illinois, but now Colorado? I couldn't drive out to Colorado like I could to Minnesota. I saw my dad once in Colorado... and it was for a long weekend... 4 days at max.

The last time I saw my dad alive was on May 27th, 2008. It was for my High School Graduation and we had gotten into a huge fight. I had kept so much in me that it finally just blew up. I remember yelling at him at how I didn't feel like I had a father anymore because he was barely in my life. I was 18 at the time and I do regret this fight. I remember both of us crying and I wish I hadn't said any of that. Around August 11th, 2008, or so, we had gotten into another fight because I needed help financially for college. Another fight I regret having because a short week later my dad committed suicide. The last words I had said to him were not, "I love you" they were words of anger.

And here's where the shallowness comes in::

We rushed out to Colorado (me, my mom, my brother, and my grandpa) to go to the memorial service. My mother was not allowed in the church because my ex-step-monster's true colors were finally revealed. She was the one who confronted my dad's family that they had to cut ties with us in order for my dad's second marriage to work. She was the one who brainwashed my dad to move far away from me and my brother so that we weren't a part of his life as much. She was the one who only married my father as a "ten year plan" and then was going to divorce him. She was the one who caught him attempting suicide a week before he succeeded and did nothing about it to help him. She is a shallow, inconsiderate, spawn of satan, bitch. She brainwashed my dad into taking me and my brother out of the insurance money so that we were left with nothing after he died. I can barely afford college but she can go ahead and get botox and her fucking nose job. Really? How shallow can one person be? She drove my father into the worst kind of depression ever. She made him feel like a piece of shit. He didn't feel loved by her. He wasn't happy because of her. All she could think about is "me, me, me, me." She didn't think about her kids.

Me at my dad's grave; where I covered up her name with grass.

So, today is my dad's birthday and it has been three years since he has died. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him or apologize to him about the things I said and pray that I wasn't any help into his decision to kill himself. I miss him, a lot. And the only reason I am able to cope is that I have a wonderful support system from my family, friends, and loving boyfriend.

I could have talked about people who are shallow and have check lists of what type of people they are going to marry; but, I felt that this was more appropriate because it is an experience I have gone through and much more shallow can you be than my raging thundercunt of an ex-step-monster?

Hope you all have a wonderful week and I hope none of you have these kinds of people in your life; and if you do, my advice to you is to run. Don't let them control you. Just leave.



I'm only a few minutes late! Huge apologies...major work load this semester plus procrastination equals no time to do anything else, it's a major problem, but today I took a personal day which means 1) I skipped all my classes, and 2) I spent the whole day watching Buffy: The Vampire Slayer.  And who is a more perfect specimen to examine shallowness than the utterly shallow but thoroughly enjoyable Cordelia Chase. 

She's so shallow.  Look at the shallowness in her eyes. 

Cordelia was at the typical mean girl at school, overly obsessed with clothing and way other people dressed, only with boys who played football, and she would never look twice at a nerd like Xander (one of Buffy's best friends who happens to be a "major loser").  But like with every high school-themed television show, the shallow girl gets her redemption, she develops, her shallowness isn't just shallowness, which makes the audience dislike her completely.  She's actually one of my favorite characters now, and whenever she appears, her superficiality is actually one of the most refreshing parts of the show. 

I don't believe anyone can truly be shallow, unless they're a spineless dumbwit with the social maturity of a blueberry scone.  Human beings are human beings because we're so deep, that's what separates us from things like a lamprey or a squirrel.  Have you ever noticed that people who pretend to be shallow in order to be funny or something are actually super deep, thoughtful people? My friend Kat always says she's superficial and fussy and girly and prissy like Cordelia Chase, but she's actually quite not.  When her bunny died, she became this stoic, super strong pillar of strength for the rest of her family.  She is my inspiration for when disaster strikes.  Could a truly shallow person do that?

So the next time you think you think someone is shallow, watch them for a bit....they probably aren't.  You're just not in the right situation to view them when they're not being shallow, irritating and distracting like that girl in my Advanced Writing class who sits next me to spells like something I suspect is marijuana and is always shopping online and constantly distracting me during class....:)

has everyone started school like me?

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Peole Are Just People

Shallowness; it's a two way street.

Just Beautiful <3

So I am nineteen and dorm at college. It is a small campus, very intimate classes and in a way it seems like high school all over again. Since our school does not accommodate tens of thousandths of other students it is easy to hear and start gossip about anyone and everyone. Gossip is a very common thing but here the details are never scarce and you end up knowing the first and last name of that person, what unit they live in and what their blood type is... jk :P

For instance no one likes the soccer team. The mens/womans soccer team sticks together like a wolf pack. hardly do they visit the outside world and when they do it is not for long or not very welcome. Of course this is all from my perspective. Soccer has become their identifier and they are fine with that. I felt their cocky aura as soon as I started attending here. They projected a repulsive sense of entitlement and I could not understand why they felt obligated to do so. However most of the feelings and thoughts I associated with them were simply assumed or anticipated ones. I tend to shun before anyone even has the chance to shun me. I decided early on that I would want nothing to do with them because of their superficial and shallow reputations. For so long I believed I was the better person. I believed that because I did not find them appealing in the least and because I was not tempted to somehow dive into the ego that would envelop me the moment we became friends that I was maturing. I actually decided that I was in a way engaging in some warped type of reverse "shallowness". Not even considering giving them the opportunity to present themselves individually and categorizing them as I would objects rather than people made me shallow. I exuded the same superiority I labeled them with... contradiction? I think so.

And how did i come to that conclusion up there you ask?
Well, just recently I started actually socializing with a couple of them and even found one in the roster of my more challenging classes. And wouldn't you have guessed it... they are quite the normal people. For so long I had a saying " People Are Just People", whenever I am intimidated by someone or when I can't find the courage to introduce myself to anyone, I tell myself just that; People are just people. Meaning, no one is too special for someone else. No one is above anyone else. This is the real world we are living in, there are not certain prerequisites one meets before relationships/friendships can be established. We all have emotions, doubts, aspirations, fears... basically we all feel. Although there may be that one case where someone really is not kind at all, we must still give humanity the benefit of the doubt.

What a tangled web we weave when it comes to refraining from shallowness :)

Sunday, September 4, 2011


I have this friend that I met while in college. He has been a dear friend. He is that kind of friend you seem to break ties with for a while many, many times. Each time he seems to get more and more distant. I am not really sure I would call him a friend anymore, more of an acquaintance. There are a few little reasons why I don't seem to connect with him. One of those reasons would be he gives me an air of shallow(ness).

In my eyes, shallowness involves picking and choosing certain types of people one would like based on one's preconceived preferences rather than getting to know the person within.

This friend of mine has said to me on several occasions that he wants to desires to find someone to connect with, asking me if I have any friends that are single that would be interested in him. I would always give him the names of some of my closest friends. He would then ask what they looked like, and if they are a Christian. I understand that some strong, fundamentalist Christians find it necessary to be with someone exactly like them. I am not picking a bone with that particular aspect at this time. However, the looks department was always the problem. I would first tell him about the things they are interested in, what they may be studying, and their personality traits. He would be fully interested in this person I described. Then, after I gave him the link to her facebook profile say that she was not the kind of girl he liked.

He always had such a specific idea of how this girl should look. She was not to look ordinary. But not in the way of an emo or scene girl. No, he needed that rare, ethnic beauty. The ones you barely ever meet.

It was then that I would get frustrated and stop giving him people. But then again, he never really asked anymore after that. Probably because I have an open mind about the kind of people I am going to date or be friends with.

It isn't about what the person looks like or what things they are interested in that is predetermined to me. Honestly, I might be discovering while writing this that I don't like that people have lists of what their perfect mate would turn out to be. How can we say the specifics of the one we will love without actually meeting them? Unless there is one in your life that you wish to be that very person?

Thinking about it, why should I pick and choose great things about several, even hundreds, of people and making them all the attributes of this person. This made up person that doesn't actually exist.

Why not just being rid of the lists and preconceived ideas of what we think we need, and decide when it comes time to decide if a person is the type of person you would like to have in your life as a friend or more?

I say ditch the lists.

Have a wonderful week everyone!
<3 trixierambler

Saturday, September 3, 2011

I love the 90's

When I think of my childhood I just think of all the fun I had. Where the biggest concern in life is which trail we'd pick to ride our bikes and who's house we were staying at that night. A time where playing the same games over and over never got old and boredom only existed when we were grounded. I remember staying out all day, and most of the early night not coming home until our parents grew hoarse from calling out our names from porches.

I loved the 90's. The music, full of pop princesses and boy bands that covered my bedroom walls. The shows that I can remember vividly to this day. How great is it that Nick brought back the old shows (All That, Keanan & Kel, Clarissa Explains it All)?

The neighborhood kids raised each other. Our parents all worked, so we often were left to our own devices once we got home from school.  At the time I felt proud and thought I was responsible to be able to be home alone. But things like that made me grow up fast. I had to teach myself to care for myself, and my brother.

But there was good moments. I miss the simple things like the summer nights where my dad and I would play board games, and when my mom and I used to get along and were close. I miss being able to make spontaneous plans with friends, the days before college and work took over our lives. It's funny how, as children, we play games like 'house' and 'school', but as adults we just want to be children again. Without responsibilities, or bills, or deadlines. A time where the top priority was to make sure we had fun.

The Good Ol' Days

What was childhood to me?

Childhood was...
Long, fast, good, bad, happy, sad, sleep overs, bed times, laughing, crying, learning, growing, evolving, changing. Childhood for me was a mess of contradictions and there's not a day that goes by when I don't wish I could relive one more day from it. Sure, there were hard times, but those hard times made me who I am today.

One thing I know for damn sure is that I miss my childhood cartoons/TV shows. Power Rangers (when I was four I was definitely the pink ranger for Halloween), Rocko's Modern Life, Hey Arnold, Pokemon, The Powerpuff Girls, Dragon Ball Z, Tales From the Crypt Keeper, GOOSEBUMPS, Pinky and the Brain...honestly I could go on forever. I also remember Beavis and Butthead seeming like the coolest show ever but I of course wasn't allowed to watch it. What in the crap is Hannah Montana? Wizards of Waverly Place? I'll take 90's shows any day of the week!!! 

One random 90's television-related memory...the nights I had karate practice, my dad and I would go out to eat at Applebee's (I always ordered the kid's spaghetti and an Oreo shake), go to practice, get ice-cream at Coldstone Creamery (I always got a mint/coffee/banana ice-cream with gummy bears as a toping), and then head home because it would be my bedtime...but he would always let me stay up late and watch Walker Texas Ranger with him. Go Chuck Norris!

Also, a ton of amazing movies came out during my childhood! Some memorable 90's movies: Titanic, Edward Scissor Hands, Bram Stroker's Dracula, Pulp Fiction, American Beauty (one of my favorite movies of all time AND won five Oscar's!), Forrest Gump, Good Will Hunting, The Shawshank Redemption, Fight Club, etc.

I also remember a lot of amazing fads from my childhood... pet rocks, push pops, hula hoops, walkmen (thank God for the iPod nowadays!), WWJD, Pollypockets, and of course the Marcerena.

Perhaps most amazingly...The Broncos won TWO, count 'em, TWO Super Bowls during my childhood! Super Bowl XXXII and XXXIII in '98 and'99. I still love them to this day though, with or without John Elway!

One last big part of my childhood I remember was how I found my passion for reading. I would devour anything I would get my hands on. I read the first Harry Potter book when I was in first grade. Some of the words were a little big but I remember sitting at my kitchen table after school eating a turkey and mayo sandwich my mom had made me and trucking through it. I know a lot of people say it, but J.K. Rowling's series definitely had a huge impact on my life!

All in all I would definitely say I had a pretty great childhood...I'm glad I grew up in the time I did and I will always hold these memories close to my heart!

xoxo Mel