Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Siendo Hernandez

 I promise mama, I'ma do it cuz I kno I put you through it 
I know I put you through it baby 
And I just want you to sit around wit ya friends at a dinner table 
And say my baby's famous and i knew it 

My mom gave birth to me two quick months after turning nineteen, I sometimes joke that she began the teenage mother trend that happens to be all the rage in public high schools. Although I mentally persecute those girls with the baby faces and maternity pants I am glad my mother had me at the age she did.

Like any teenager my mom needed time to find herself. My grandparents raised me for much of my "toddlerism".  At one point I would even call my grandma "mom" and my mom "grandma". They taught me Spanish, they took me to many futbol games they kept me smiling and well fed. I cannot stress how well fed they kept me, these curves are not an accident :D I remember tamales on this certain hill.   My Sister Connie and Cousin Brandon and I would lay flat in the hatch back portion of my grandparent's station wagon, we'd scream our orders to them in Spanish. As the oldest I'd order the green chile tamale and eat it next to my grandpa so that he could acknowledge the fact it. It burned my tongue and stung for minutes after each bite but the praise was always well worth it. Then there is Dino's, this great hamburger place in Lincoln Heights, California, we still go their til this day. We still order the same things and the number of booths we take up keeps increasing as the years pass.

Elementary: My mom always bought us new uniforms and made sure to do our hair and pack us snacks. She would bathe us in amusing ways and tuck us into bed lovingly and bought us surprises as often as humanly possible. I remember having every Disney movie and her trading my pink bike for the black one I preferred. I remember my pet turtle 'junior' and matching outfits. With the good came some inevitable bad... Many children can relate to abusive pasts.  My mom took a lot of her frustrations out on my sister and I which caused me to become a very nervous child and carry my nail biting habit into what you could call my adult life. I dealt with a lot of personal tension and over analyzed much of my life even as a kid. I did as I was told but mostly out of fear. Fear and respect are somethings that were hard for me to distinguish between, along with fear and love. So much of my childhood was a constant desire to please and to be heard.

Middle School: That desired turned into a passion and this little writer within me was born. I started my first journal when I was eleven. I would leave it in plain sight hoping that my mom might pick it up and read it, take it in and maybe understand how much of me was unsatisfied; how much of me was broken. Another thing I believe many children can relate to is the need for a father figure. Especially children that belong to teenage parent's. Much of my writing revolved around his absence and how unappealing I must have been for him not to have stayed. Although very therapeutic for myself it was whip lash to my mother, it was betrayal and it was trashed. I was not allowed to speak to anyone about problems in the house, problems in the family and most of all problems within myself. Turning your personal life inside out for everyone to see is considered taboo in many cultures. Writing allowed me to do it in the most secret of ways. I began hiding my journals, filling them up day in and day out. I reflected on life in ways some adults still cannot.

I believe I found myself when I found writing. I am no longer shy, reserved or afraid of much. I sometime can't believe I was the little girl afraid of the rain, crying constantly, clinging from my mothers slacks asking her please not to leave me. When I look back on the way I was raised I am mostly thankful. I don't think I could raise a child. Although I did practically raise my three younger half sisters. My mom provided everything financially and she was so young. So much of my obnoxious know it all self wants to argue that she had sex and that she should have known better but it takes someone so extremely strong to keep and raise a child like myself. She is an amazing woman who I will probably claim I hate two weeks from now for some immature reason or another. I know I don't, and I hope she knows I could never. I owe her everything in this world and so much more. ( AHHH Damn Tears).

I thank my mom and my grandparents for the way I ultimately turned out. I am very passionate thanks to all of them. My grandpa speaks politics, culture, mechanics and morals with me. My mom instills me with drive, strength, determination and charisma. My grandmother is a Beast <3, she is cold blooded in a way empowering to woman in any situation, she is beautiful and loyal and loves me in a way I can not properly describe yet. These people made my childhood one for the storybooks... literally.

Dear Mom,
I Love You Dude

Monday, August 29, 2011

Ah the memories!

Me holding my little sister D

It's is sort of ironic that this week's theme is childhood. This past week has been filled with memory lane. My sister and I went through pictures and pictures of us throughout our childhood. The conversation got to some very interesting places.

My family is pretty close I would say. I mean my little sister is one of my best friends in the world. My parents have been amazing supports for us through everything. They weren't strict at all. They trusted us. Which, obviously, you cannot do with all kids. But we didn't have a curfew. We weren't restricted in that realm. But somehow we were pretty good kids. I wasn't that much of a partier when I was in high school either. I was pretty attached to the Christian principles my then closest friends followed. After leaving my town for college, I pretty much left that me behind. But my family was one that always let me drink whatever I wanted when I was at home or with my older sister.

My parents have always been under the thought that they wanted us to make our own mistakes because that was the only way we would figure anything out about the world. Yea, sure we went through a lot as a family even. Losing a lot of people close to us in car accidents and to cancer and so on. My dad and mom have had their issues too. I am not going to lie. That has definitely affected the person I am today. But I can't blame them. We are all human.

I remember being such a happy child. I guess that has always been a part of my personality. Always smiling and talking non-stop.

There was one point we reached in our conversation that was really interesting. I am pretty open about the fact that my dad went to prison when I was 5 or 6 (I can't remember). Well we were sitting around talking about that. I told my mother I remembered him being gone. I remember sitting with my little radio player listening to music and crying because I missed my dad. I remember visiting him. I remember the day he was arrested. I remembered seeing the cops making my dad lay on the ground and put his hands behind his back so they could handcuff  him as I peered down the staircase from our living room. My mom was shocked to know that I remembered all of this.

My sister said that she didn't remember anything at all about it, so she uses it as a funny joke most of the time.  She then proceeded to make a joke out of that even, lol. She said, "It's like mom had this traumatizing experience. You had a ghetto childhood where you cried about your dad being in prison. I just don't remember a thing so I am unaffected."

Leave it too my sister to make a weird conversation so light and such a non-matter. If I haven't said enough yet... I love my family.

I've had a sort of weird childhood I guess. But probably not nearly as bad as some may have had. One thing I know is even if my parents struggled with money more than we do now, I had no idea about it. We always had a  house to live in. We always had food on the table, and we always had clothes to wear. My parents have always done everything possible to take care of the family.

( From left to right, Top: Petra- our foreign exchange student from Czech Republic, my older sister A, my dad, my brother M, and my mom. Bottom: my little sister D, and me)

As one of the middle children I was always seeking attention, trying to find my place. I was definitely the loud one, yelling at the person with the camera to take a picture of me. I always did whatever my older brother and sister told me to because I have and always will want to please everyone. However, showing my scorpio self, I did try to be in charge of some things... always bossing my sister and our little friend around during "school" or "house" or "Spice Girls" (oh goodness, the shame). I have always been unfailingly honest. I simply have never been able to lie. The one time I thought I had it my dad definitely tricked me into telling the truth. Since I was young I have always been a contradiction within itself. I am a studious person, always wanting to learn, a bookworm. But I also have always had this, let's say, "ditzy" quality. Always bouncing around the place, not hearing what people are saying, making lots and lots of mistakes (once I cuts my sister's hair because I got very very into the character of playing barbershop).

Again, as that middle child I always wanted to have my thing (besides my quirky personality). I tried all the sports my little sister tried. I couldn't draw like my other siblings. I couldn't sing. I tried the normal stuff. I wasn't very good at sports besides softball. But I still was only average there. I craved for something that would make people notice me. But behind it all I didn't know that I did have my thing. I have and always will be a writer. Grammar and english classes came naturally to me rather than math and science. I always had a million diaries and journals in my room, hidden away under my bed. I didn't really realize my "thing" until I was writing scholarship essays. I had my dad look over on that I had written for the school I was going to attend. He came back to me and said that he was shocked. Where has this writer been? I had never shown him anything I had written before because my little sister had already claimed the artsy thing. She was good, and she liked to write too. So I never showed anyone anything.

The little girl running around screaming for attention didn't really need that attention anymore (for the most part! haha). I had found that thing that I was good at and I didn't really need anyone to acknowledge it. Although, I can't deny I would like to get something published and have it be like by at least one person . :p

Have a great week everyone!

<3 T

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Who's got lady-balls?

As a little girl, I always wanted to be the ballsy one. I was out there with the boys playing army, building forts, catching creatures- all while in a dress and mary-janes. I'm highly competitive and always wanted to prove I could be just as tough, if not tougher.

I idolized females who kicked butt. An avid little Power Rangers and Sailor Moon fan, I'd scoot right up the the TV screen watching them battle and fight the forces of evil. Not much has changed since. I still consume comics of femme fatales, anti-heroines, and super-heroines. My favorites being Catwoman, the Danger Girls, and Nikita.

Sorry for the short post. I've got a bit of a cold and we have a hurricane coming tomorrow to prepare for. D;
Good luck at school Éli~ I don't start my classes till Thurs.

<3 Tiff

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

The Brilliant Ball-Busting Ladies of the Superhero-verse

Wonder Woman, Hawkgirl, Black Canary, Star Sapphire, Power Girl, Supergirl, Catwoman, I could list on and on. 

Have you ever noticed how most ignorant people assume everything before Gloria Steinem was born was a bunch of chauvinistic hogwash where everyone was stupid, both men and women (don't even get me started on the "submissive Oriental girl stereotype").  But did you know Wonder Woman was created during the 1940's to be depicted as fighting the Axis Powers? Common knowledge taught in American history classes and women studies courses, women played a huuuuuuge helpful role in World War II, and they sort of got to "grow some balls." 

If you were nitpicky, you would pick apart why people use the word "ballsy" to describe women with gumption, and label it as sexist.  But I honestly don't think that's worth getting upset over.  What's wrong with being as good as men if not better? That's what it implies, right? 

Does anybody watch Justice League Unlimited? That show is long over, but spoiler alert! Batman and Wonder Woman have a hinted thing going on.  Wonder Woman would definitely count as a ballsy woman.  So would Hawk Girl, who got with John Stewart Green Lantern.  What do these two men have in common? Neither of them have innate super powers.  Sure, John Stewart has the power ring, but without it, he's just a former Marine.  This indicates that a dominating female is more mainstream now.  It's no longer a novelty.  YAY! 

I'll end on this.  I highly recommend this Justice League Unlimited episode to see a good example of "lady balls." Everybody should go and find "Grudge Match" from Justice League Unlimited and watch it.  

First week of class, it only goes downhill from here! wish me luck!
- É

No Sexy Times for You

If you had asked me this question in high school, I probably would've had a very different answer.  But I'm answering it now, and I have to say...I'm not so much uncomfortable with my sexuality as much as I just don't give a crap about it.  Weird, right?

My sister's boyfriend was over at the apartment just now.  I have a very strict no PDA policy in the apartment because PDA just lacks so much class to me.  I hate when people do it because I feel like it's so disrespectful.  They kept trying to be sneaky and go into corners or out of sight (stepping to the left of the door so the wall was between me and them) and canoodling and I wasn't having any of that.  I don't think of myself as a cockblocker even though that's DEFINITELY what I was doing.  Later I walked out of my room of the apartment to see her patting him on the butt and him thrusting his groin in her direction in an unmistakeable pantomime.  I glared at the two of them and growled, "Stop." They stopped.

I'm not going to hold any context back.  I'm single, happy being single, and don't really care about "getting some." But I know a lot of people do.   College is stereotypically a time where we're supposed to explore our sexuality. Which I can't help but feel is gross

So I guess in a way I'm comfortable being uncomfortable about my sexuality.  I like to keep things clean and simple and am way too occupied with everything else to add on top of that contraception and "looking for a mate" and all that other stuff that goes along with it.  I get my happy kicks in other ways (a.k.a. television). 

Are you comfortable being uncomfortable about your sexuality?

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Ritual Union's Have Got Me in Trouble Again

Simple Suggestion's <3

Example of Lady Balls

Standard club conversation.
Me: * Dancing*
Him: can we dance ?
Me: Oh, sorry I dance by myself.
Him: Oh_Kay 0_o
Me: But thanks for asking

"Lady Balls" I have them; most apparently on the dance floor. I love to dance. I like letting go and releasing the tension of my days through swift hip sways and the mimic of beats in the form of claps. Me encanta la musica Latina ( I love Latin music). Dancing is a very personal thing for me. I dress up and go out and dance around with myself for myself. I don't like to be interrupted with request's or interferences. I never want to associate my lust for dance and rhythm with a man. I have always been turned off by the idea of a partner, especially since the man is supposed to lead the woman. I do not need to be lead?!?! trust me, I lead myself just fine. I enjoy turning when I please, drifting with the music as I please and winding up in the opposite side of the room.

Lady balls to me is preserving for myself what is seen as lovelier if I would simply submit myself to the will of his rythym. The moment I dance with a partner I am no longer dancing to the beat of my soul, but to the beat of his. Therefore all satisfaction for me would be gone. Partners defeat the purpose of why I dance and what I get out of it. Lady Balls is not giving what 'he' or anyone else thinks while I glide to and forth a second thought. Just because you admire the way I move does not mean I am required to move with you. :P

The worse part about this is having people think you are conceited or stuck up because you want to enjoy yourself. I have had some very ugly reactions when i deny a request. I am not one to feel superior to others when it comes to manners. I do not believe in treating one better than another based on superficial aspects but when someone disrespects me and assumes things about me in order to ease the blow of what they view as "rejection", then my Lady Balls come out to play :P and they find themselves put in their place. The ability to stand up for yourself is a beautiful and necessary one. You never know when you must let them hang low and be shown but never be afraid to do so.


Today's post was very simple. I could have gone on and on with one of my feminist rants but I just had an amazing day full of dancing and great music out in the open pavilion of my college. Don not get me wrong! :D I understand just how important it is for us to have strong precenses as woman. 

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Lady Balls and Amazon Calls

Lady Balls. This is one of my very favorite phrases to use as of late. It is something to be desired, I think. Some always have them, some lose them temporarily only to find them in an epiphany of sorts, and some will just never have them.

When we speak of men that just lack that manly I'm-going-to-take-care-of-this quality, we sometimes tend to say they need to "grow some balls." One of our other writers here, Steph, and I have spoken about this topic on occasion. But we speak of it in terms of the amazonian WOMAN quality. Woman can definitely have balls. Yes, I said it. It may not be physiological, but it sure is true mentally and emotionally. We can exude a sense of bad assery (excuse my language) that I can only describe as "lady balls."

I was actually reminded of this recently while reading a book series called The Hunger Games. This series, which I am not all the way through quite yet, follows a young girl that has HUGE lady balls. She is constantly in defiance of the rules the Capitol has over the people. She does what it takes to survive or save her fellow people.

I am not going to give anything way in this post because I really want everyone to read these books for themselves. They are something quite special. But that is besides the point here.

The main character in these books has had a lot go on in her life. She was born into a pretty poor group of people and at a young age lost her father in a mining accident. She frequently ventures into the forest that is off limits (she could be killed for doing this). She cracks me up constantly because she is so hell-bent on helping others that she won't even accept TWO boys' feelings for her. She runs like the wind away from feelings of those kind. She actually seems sort of pissed that someone would force her to deal with those feelings. But eventually you see her character grow.

The thing I admire about her character is that no matter what happens to her she pushes through. She doesn't like to sit idle in her sorrow. She moves forward towards something productive. Obviously, this is a hard task for anyone to follow through. But I see plenty of people deal with their lot in life in a similar manner.

Steph and I have spoken about how after getting out of terrible relationships we got our lady balls back and realized what we deserved. I think those types of situations definitely apply. They may not be as dramatic as what happens in The Hunger Games, but it sure does affect ones demeanor and confidence.

Lady balls involve a great amount of self-worth, confidence, and generosity in my mind. It may sound slightly grotesque to some but I would say loud and proud that I love my lady balls!

I can feel my lady balls flexing lately. There is nothing like working through a tough situation and learning how to focus on something else. It is amazing how having those lady balls we are speaking of this week can make a situation so much better.

I  have recently gone through a sort of dramatic, you might say, break-up. It stopped me from thinking for a few days. But thanks to my lady balls I realized what was going on and left in the first place, and then was able to bounce out of it after a few days... getting back to business. In my case, they really helped me focus on the people in my life and the goal that I wanted to work towards. No distractions to deter me, now. I can feel them as if after a tough workout because now I have this fantastic blog. I am working on a book collaboration. I found a job. I will be saving up money, and fighting for a chance to use my passion for and skills in writing in my career. Flex those lady balls! Flex!

Have a great week everyone!
<3 Tracey

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Let Your Freak Flag Fly

Ah, I have so much to say on this week's topic that I'm not sure where to begin! So, please forgive me if this seems all over the place.

 I suppose I'll start by saying in regards to sexual-orientation that I believe love is love, no matter the gender, sex, race, religion, etc. I am fortunate to live in Massachusetts, where gay marriage/same-sex marriage is legal and recognized as valid (by the state, as of 2004). It's incredible that only six states, most in the north-east, have legalized gay marriage. I had one professor in particular the made a great inpact on me. She also happens to be married, to a woman.  It was heart-breaking to hear her say, as we discussed the Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) excludes same-sex partners for caring for their spouse. This is because gay marriage is not recognized on a federal level. FMLA has many benefits, it allows a spouse to take off work for a period of time- to care for a sick spouse, sick child, or have bonding time with a newly adopted child- without being fired or face any backlash from your employeer.  But if you are gay in America, you do not receive such benefits.  This will not change until gay marriage is legalized in the entire country.  . Ironically FMLA was passed the same year as "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." Health insurance will also not provide coverage for a gay spouse.

Approximately forty years ago, marriages between other races were made legal. It's shocking since as the US, we see ourselves as such a progressive society despite the archaic excuses (the contents of religious text) and bigotry from years past. It's amazing to think that if my uncle and aunt were born one generation earlier, they would not have been able to marry (he's American of Norwegian descent, she's from Belize). It hurts to think that my friends will not be able to cover their significant others and any possible children they or their partner may have under their insurance or be able to take time off work to tend to their needs.  This is frank injustice.

In my retail 'career', I used to work at a store in the mall that sold 'adult toys'.  It was honestly the most rewarding moments while working retail I have ever had. Sounds odd, but hear me out.  Customers would come to the store, and nervously peek around at the 'Luv' section (oh so corny title for the products). There I learned that people worry way too much about someone knowing that they 'pleasure them-selves'. Honestly, everyone does it, will do it, or should try it. (There's a severe lack of information provided in sex-ed classes provided in public schools about the self and discovering your own sexuality. It was never brought up. It was all about "wrap your junk, here's how not to get preggers, the end." and the focus was exclusively about male-female relationships.) I enjoyed educating the customers, asking what they wanted out of a 'toy', helping provide solutions for bedroom problems, correcting misconceptions- I truly miss working in this aspect of retail.  Sadly my boss was a jerk (I believe I discussed that situation in my very first post), and I quit because of her.'

On a personal level, I wouldn't say I'm extremely sexual,  which seems contradictory to my knowledge of adult novelties. I'm old-fashioned in the sense that I'm not about to jump into bed with anyone.  And most of my friends are either extremely embarrassed by sexual topics (one friend almost choked on her drink when I told her over a lunch meet-up in Boston about my job at the time) or on the extreme end of the spectrum where it comes up in conversation at every party.  I have yet to tell friends and family that I'm bi-sexual.  I see it as something that I'll deal with when it happens, when/if I ever date a girl. I feel no shame about my sexuality. I just don't see why to bring it up out of the blue.

So, in conclusion to my piece-y post: be who you are. If you're interested in kink, be kinky. Dress how you want to dress. Want to fly solo, keep things no-strings-attached- more power to you. Your life is yours, no one elses'. Let your freak flag fly. And honestly, you're not a freaky as you think- there's always someone out their who feels the same. No one is going to live your life but yourself. Make it count.

Awesome video (click it, you know you want to):

Friday, August 19, 2011


I know it's late.. but today definitely is not the greatest day. I'm apologizing but I just don't feel like writing today. Three years ago, I lost my father. So, today, has been a whirlwind of emotions and right now I just want to go back to bed.

So, again, I apologize for not having a post up this week.

I love you all and I hope ya'll have a great rest of the week.

Stephanie <3

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

The House Always Wins

Or Do You ?

I have been in a heavily medicated trance for about four days now, hopping in and out of epson salt baths and being forced to wear panties in order to exude some sense of decensy at the chiropractors office; all these current factors have me feeling less than sexy. So i needed a while to summons the sex kitten that I hope liners deep within me.

I strongly believe sexuality is fueled by confidence, a confidence that I personally find altered when perfumed lightly yet notibly, when bare below for the sake of subtle rebellion and most of all when I am smooth and stuble free; not having to think twice about putting on the shortest of shorts!... dresses!!... skirts!!! ;)

The first time my sexuality ever manifested itself into a relationship I was sixteen, he was seventeen and insistent. At that moment I recognized resistance as my greatest turn on. As I have evolved and matured in more ways than the obvious, I have lost the thrill of the tease and the chase and have instead located pleasure in owning myself. I like waking up every morning without regret and equal or sometimes more pride. A lot of my friends used their sexuality as bate, but the fish will only stick around so long before it flees hungrily. They thought sex guaranteed the love they saught after and found shortly that the link between the two is weak and practically unexistant. Watching them be consumed and and left tainted, scarred by bites of previous lover only caused me to view sex as more of a gamble rather than an investment. Though I believe to have been smart with sex and my sexuality, owning myself longer than anyone in my family (immediate and not) has been able to and presenting myself as respectfully as anyone in this generation can does not mean I don't lust like the celibate preist taking in the kinky details of an adulterers sins.

Another thing that has come with age is the expectance of my experience, suitors desire to date me in hopes of eventually having me. Little do they know, no one has ever had me, and despite the sexuality they sense from me... I don't know how to be had. Though inexperience in itself is sometimes found that much more alluring, for me it is sometimes uncomfortable. Men/boys sometimes think you have been holding out your whole life for the likes of them... ??? And honestly, I think I have forgotten what/who exactly I was holding out for. I see myself dismiss some of the worst and even best of men/boys, prefering to seek refuge and comfort in my virginity. 

 However next month I will be twenty and the only person I am teasing is God, he probably thinks I am one more "I'm not ready" away from running into a convent :P

This is another thing in my life in which I have reached zero realizations about. I am just as lost at nineteen as I was at sixteen. My "the house always wins mentality" is still strong, I'm just wondering at what cost.


(sorry for the late post, and i actually did it hours ago, i just forgot to sign my name like always :P)

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Sexuality and self-control


Ya know it's funny. I am a very sexual person. But when I found that this week's theme was going to be sexuality I drew a blank. What am I supposed to talk about? Because lately I have been having an hard time thinking about the relationship between love and sex.

I think the thing that stands out to me is that sex seems like an easy alternative. You don't to have love to have sex. You don't have to tell them anything about yourself really. But somehow you still give them part of you. While I am very sexual person I am also a very emotional person. Like I have said before I feel emotions very deeply. So while I may not want to be with someone I have sex with... I still feel something.

It's a bit of a fight inside between self-control and desire. Usually the powers of desire wins over on the want for self-control. Which is obviously something we all struggle with right. I mean in everyone's own way... there is some sort of desire whether is be sexual or otherwise that tends to overrule our common sense or self-control. No matter how good or bad one is for us... we still tend to run the other way from something so logical.

Like a lot of people have said last week. Life is full of drama. You can't really get away from it. Might as well let it ride. It is all part of life like Stephanie and I were saying today. So ultimately, I deal with my mistakes in the sexual department and move on. There is no reason to let any one thing get the best of you. There are many aspects of a person's personality that are neither good or bad.  Say for instance, my tendency to feel many emotions deeply. It isn't something I can change and it is really something I need to change.

So my relationship with sexuality is its own. It doesn't need to change. I don't think it is good or bad really. It's more about how you deal with the things you do than if you do them in my book.

Sorry this is so short. I am having a bit of writer's block. Have a great week all!

<3 Tracey

Drama Queens (& Kings)

I try my best to avoid drama. I hate conflict that arises for no purpose, just people trying to start drama for the sake of having drama. A lot of people I've met say that girls are the perpetrators of drama, but I can attest to the fact that boys can be equally catty.

I knew a boy "S" who loved to exaggerate everything. He made a production out of the tiniest things and he loved to get involved in others conflicts.  Instead of helping put out metaphorical fires, he fueled them. He loved to fan the fires between one couple in our circle of friends' rocky relationship, and of course he'd run his mouth about everyone.

I never quite understood what people get out of creating drama? Is it the attention? Because, personally, would rather get no attention than an up-rise of negative reactions.  What is there to gain from creating lies and arguments? Especially towards friends.

But as Mel said, there is something to gain from being around drama. Depending on how you react to it, it can make you stronger. You can learn who is truly there for you, you learn who you can trust.

And on the subject of Big Brother. I need to catch up, I haven't seen this season. I used to be very much  addicted to that show! :)

<3 Tiff

Friday, August 12, 2011

I heart drama

My definition… 

As an aspiring actress, I see drama [drah-muh] as it is defined in the dictionary…A work to be performed by actors on stage, radio, or in movies and television; play. Unfortunately drama has evolved into something less about creativity and more about…well, I looked it up on urban dictionary to give you the modern definition ;) 

According to "urbandictionary"…

A way of relating to the world in which a person consistently overreacts to or greatly exaggerates the importance of benign events. 

Typically "drama" is used by people who are chronically bored or those who seek attention.

People who engage in "drama" will usually attempt to drag other people into their dramatic state, as a way of gaining attention or making their own lives more exciting.

Common warning signs/ risk factors of drama or a dramatic person are:

1. Having one supposedly serious problem after another.

2. Constantly telling other people about one's problems.

3. Extreme emotionality or frequently shifting, intense emotions.

4. Claiming to have experienced negative events that are highly implausible.

5. A boring job or mundane life.

6. Making claims without sufficient evidence or a lack of detail about supposedly serious events.

7. A pattern of irrational behavior and reactions to everyday problems.

What it really boils down to is this: 

Everyone complains about it but of course there is bound to be drama! It is simply a part of human nature. Here's what I think: use the drama to fuel your creativity. Write, act, photograph, dance, sing, draw, do absolutely anything! Every emotion can be used to your benefit. The next time you're upset about some ridiculous rumor or in a fight with your best friend, paint in a style you've never tried before, try using a new lens on your camera, choreograph a dance to a style of music you've never used before, write a story based on what you are feeling, do something…anything…except mope and complain about how much you "hate the drama." Own it.

In closing...

So now you see why "I heart drama." I am nothing if not the creative type, and when ever I feel like I'm getting sucked in by a fight or gossip or boys, I do something constructive and creative with those emotions. Hope you'll all do the same! :) 

xoxo Mel

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Drama, Drama, Drama...

Drama is this week's theme and boy, is it a great theme for me this week because believe me... a lot of drama has happened within this past week for me. As most of you know Tracey and I are friends and we have a lot in common. If you guys have read any of our posts on our personal blogs you would know that one of the things we share in common is an ex boyfriend. Now this ex boyfriend of ours (we'll call him K) is a complete and utter asshole. Tracey can back me up on this one. K had decided that me and him will not be friends anymore because I became friends with Tracey. What does it matter if we are friends? It has nothing to do with him because neither one of us is with him anymore. Then his past week he texted me trying to tie up loose ends and become friends again. So I found that out to be very strange. So I questioned it and I considered being friends with him again.

But thank God for my newfound friend, Tracey. Who can snap me back into reality and realize how much drama K really causes. For one thing, when K and I broke up I received quite a few anonymous tips letting me know that he had cheated on me at least once. Tracey gave me a call last night and was so upset because she felt like she was hiding something from me and she didn't want to ruin the friendship that we have made and continue to grow. So I told her to just tell me, don't hold anything back. She told me some unsettling news that I already knew. She met K before him and I broke up and without her knowing that he had a girlfriend they had made out. In my heart, I knew that K had cheated on me. And it has been well over a year and I have been with my current boyfriend for a little over a year (yes, I rebounded but found true love.. very rare to do) and it didn't phase me. I told her not to worry about it and that she probably wasn't the first girl he cheated on me with and I didn't want it to affect our friendship either. It doesn't bother me that that had happened. I'm over it. Tracey and I are probably even better friends than before because I appreciated her honesty.

However, with K... not too sure the friendship is going to happen. I don't like a lot of drama in my life because it gives me a headache. However... I do cause a bit of it.. and I definitely caused some with K. I decided to start a war with him. All I wanted was for him to admit that he cheated on me. So I have been arguing with him and he has been denying all damn day long. It makes no sense to me that he can't just be a decent person and admit that what he did was wrong but instead make everyone else the bad guy. He is an idiot. And then I find out that he wanted to make up and be friends again so that he can have a pen pal for when he goes overseas for while he's in the army. So, I asked him, "What about Tracey, she likes to write." He responded with "Me and her aren't on talking terms." Yea, you know why, K... because you are a douchebag who only brings drama (talk about a damn drama queen...) and pain to everyone's lives. Gosh!

Anyways, it is no secret that I love my fair share of TV and movies. Every summer I watch Big Brother. It has got to be the most stressful and drama-filled show I have ever seen. And this summer has been phenomenal! My favorite 4 players are still in it. (Barely, but they are!) I just got done watching tonight's episode and I am so happy!

Anyways, This is starting to be a whole bunch of ramble about what kind of drama has been in my life and it's cutting close to the deadline of not being Thursday so I should click off. =]

I hope you all have a great rest of the week. And... while you're at it... keep voting for next week's theme and submit a guest blog post!!


D.R.A.M.A., Dangerously Ridiculous & Automatically Moronic Action

First off, SO SORRY GUYS for being M.I.A., things have been really weird lately, making the days kind of blur together into one big sucky blob. A dear beloved high school teacher of mine died really recently from lung cancer so my life turned a bit on its head, but I'm getting back on track. Talk about DRAMA, right???

Is DRAMA ever really good? Even sometimes when you watch it happen, you don't want to be a part of it, right? As for me, I try to keep drama out of my life. When I was younger, it seemed to follow me everywhere....I guess that's what you get with volatile emotions and puberty and the whole sucky shebang.

What I'm going to write about is how
drama doesn't have to be all bad. That's something I've come to terms with recently. I suppose in a way, the awfulness of crap is measured by how you deal with it, and this measurement is in units of "drama." How mathematic of me. And in order to wade through the clusterf-ck of suck, we as people need to develop our own ways of handling a lot of drama without getting hurt or permanently emotionally scarred.

A few days later...
Argh, so this post has spanned a few days and I'm getting nowhere. TOO MUCH DRAMA. I had to drop out of my retreat that I had been planning for for WEEKS, and now I didn't even have to go because my partner for the retreat ditched me to go to Hong Kong with his girlfriend....So now I'm dealing with all this stress and drama the best way I know how...holing myself up in my apartment with Velveeta Mac n Cheez, poached egg salad, a Cactus Cooler, dark chocolate truffles, and Merlin. This is soul soothing at its finest.

Don't let drama dictate the quality of your life...grab drama by the throat and show it who's boss (you are...you're the boss...in case that wasn't clear). Hopefully by next Wednesday all of this bull-bananas will be all blown over and I'll be able to deliver a
real post.

In the meantime,
Cheers! xo

Monday, August 8, 2011

Pointless Violence Arises from Pointless Drama: London 2011

Metropolitan police officer in riot gear
If you haven't been keeping abreast of the news for the last couple days, there have been a number of riots in London, England. And when I say riots, I mean full blown riots -- looting, crime, angry mobs, etc.; the whole nine yards and then some. I'm not going to get into my personal emotions regarding the subject, as I'm pretty much a wreck right now with worry (I have several close friends in various parts of England, including London). They've begun spreading across the country, north to Birmingham, Liverpool, Manchester, and Leeds.

From an outsider's perspective, this is possibly one of the most primitive things I've seen in a first class country. A BBC correspondent just said via the live feed that: "...the situation has gone from rowdy [...] to life threatening." I've spoken to about three of my good English friends and they're all okay, they're safe for now, but furious about these riots. They don't see any reason to them.

Why did it start? Because an armed drug dealer was shot last Thursday by a police officer in Tottenham. If you don't know why that's a big deal, then I shall tell you: it's illegal to own and carry a firearm in the United Kingdom. British citizens do not have guns in their private possession, nor do most police officers. Most police officers are typically equipped with mace, a nightstick, and handcuffs; with special training, they are given tasers and certain special forces are allowed to carry firearms. Otherwise, they've got to rely on what they're given in standard issue.

Firemen put out the last of a fire in London
Mere hours after a "peaceful protest" for this drug dealer's death (still trying to wrap my head around why there was one needed for such a scum bag), Tottenham was in flames. Protesters threw stones at police and smashed windows throughout the borough. This is where the riots erupted from. Tottenham has a long history of tension with police, you can look up the 1985 riots if you don't believe me. Looters then spread through London, lighting buildings (including a shopping mall) on fire, forcing families out of their homes, and endangering the lives of countless others. Now there are robberies taking place in London and Birmingham, the City Centre in Leeds is in a full blown riot, while Liverpool, Bristol, and Manchester are beginning to experience riots as well, and police are advising people to stay indoors.

In defence of the public, police in riot gear have taken to the London streets, police dogs have been dispatched and water cannons are being used against protesters. I've also read some remarks about tear gas and rubber bullets being used and share in sentiments that nerve gas wouldn't be too terrible a thing to punish them with at this point. The problem here is that in light of the nation's economy, David Cameron cut the police force's numbers in the UK earlier this year, as a result, police are now stretched too thinly and cannot possibly handle or even end these riots quickly enough. If things continue as they are going, the army will need to be dispatched, similar to how the Coast Guard and Army were called in during Hurricane Katrina in 2005.

All of this is pointless. All of this is unnecessary. And I can't even tell you how scared and angry this makes me. The man shot was black, so what? The man shot was a drug dealer, so what? I don't care. Yes, it's sad that someone was killed, don't think I don't care about that, but people get shot all the time here, perhaps that's the difference between us and Britain. This simply infuriates me: nothing about this man is enough of a justification to destroy a city, homes, and the livelihoods of dozens of people. People have barely escaped burning buildings with their lives -- is that really so JUST? Do these people not realise that in doing this they're only creating more problems for themselves? Ultimately, this isn't going to hurt the police force (though they're just lit a station on fire in Birmingham), it's going to hurt the common everyday man or woman in the UK: the taxpayers.

All the looting, destruction, and crimes that are taking place will result in (1) Increased taxes, (2) An increase of prison inmates, and (3) Injury and possible death. It's not hard to see where this is going when you sit there and think about it. You're setting buildings on fire in urban locations, possibly risking the injury of innocent civilians and for what? Because a cop did his job? Because a cop shot a drug dealer who was only corrupting society? It's ridiculous. This is ridiculous. Not even Mark Dugan's (the victim of the police shooting) friends think that violence is the answer.

David Cameron, British PM (Con),
will be leaving Italy at 3AM Tuesday
cutting short his family holiday to return
to London in light of the worsening riots.
Locals blame it on 'hardships' and the politics of Britain. I'm sorry but that's a load of shit if you ask me. A London police chief has gone on record with BBC saying "...All I have seen in these riots is violence. Pure, gratuitous violence..." while a looter has been quoted as saying, "...we heard other people were getting free stuff, so we though, why not us?" So frankly, it's a really poor excuse as far as I'm concerned, especially when I can guarantee that most of those who began the riots are taking government pay outs like our welfare hounds here in the States, who do nothing but work the average American dry. If you really can't stand how you're living, if you're living in such deplorable squalor, then get out and make a change. Appeal to the politicians, get active in your community, get your community together and work at it. But don't start riots and cry over it being because of hard times economically. If you have a roof over your head, clothes on your back, and food in your stomach, you aren't in that terrible a position.

All this violence is going to do is create more problems. Clearly the people starting the riots are illogical, uneducated fools who can't see this. This is all pointless drama when it comes down to it. I'm not trying to justify the death of this man, but for Christ's sake, don't start violent protests and kill more because of him. He was armed, he took aim at a police officer in the city of London who was equipped with a firearm of his own. That officer made a snap decision and chose to fire his own weapon as the situation demanded that sort of decision. Do you think that officer simply wanted to murder that man? Of course not -- no one in their right mind wants that. You can't defend some thug when he brought this fate upon himself. And you can't justify displacing and harming hundreds of other people either all on one single police shooting gone bad.

Fireman walks past a burning building in
Tottenham following this weekend's riots.

Keep London, Birmingham, Leeds, Liverpool, Bristol, Manchester, and the rest of the UK in your thoughts tonight and for the rest of the week, until this is over. The people who began these riots are fools and deserve to be arrested and charged for the maximum penalty of their crimes. They don't deserve to be free to roam the streets if they believe endangering others is a just cause. There is no just cause in this because a just cause would be one of the rational alternatives I listed above. Violence is never the answer.

Have a nice week everyone,

PS: You can find a live feed with streaming video on BBC's site, here.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Drama Llamas

Sorry in advance this is going to be a rather short post here today. I am in a bit of a rush, my apologies!

Everyone's heard the short phrases about drama. Save the drama for your mama and so on. Many people that I know refer to people who love drama as drama llamas. 

I am the type of person that likes to avoid conflict as much as possible. I try to not let things get to me. Therefore, when drama llamas show their faces I get anxiety. Conflict tends to spur up anxiety attacks for me. It is needless to say, I do not appreciate drama llamas. Although, I will admit I am sure I have caused drama more than a few times in my life. 

However, every one of us (especially ladies, no matter how much we hate to admit it) does happen to get a tad over dramatic about things once and a while. I mean, I don't want to give excuses but- Come on! Menstrual cycle hormones can be a pain in the butt.

There are certain friends that I have had over the years that just love to be the llamas. They are those people that pre-curse themselves to people they just meet with the statement; I hate drama. When I hear this phrase from someone I just meet... I feel as though immediately I don't believe them. I think the opposite basically.

Now, I am sure that may be wrong of me. I guess that is just what experience has showed me. I am definitely not trying to offend anyone with those comments. (there I go trying to avoid conflict again).

Have a good week all, peace!

<3 Tracey

Saturday, August 6, 2011

When friendships end.

Ugh, I hate making decisions.  Whenever I have to make decisions lately, something has to suffer because of it.  Trying to balance school and work, trying to find balance in friendships... but decisions do need to be made, because if I don't make some- I'll get burnt out trying to do make everyone happy, haha.

Like the posts from earlier this week, I've had to make difficult decisions about friendships.  I had a friend who as soon as she got a boyfriend, her friends didn't exist- until the relationships got rocky.  She's cry and cry over them to us (our circle of friends), but then by the next morning we wouldn't hear from her. An unbalanced, unfair 'friendship'. It got so ridiculous we had to make plans with her weeks in advance (mind you, we were in high school then and unemployeed). We did this, only to be ditched last minute for her boyfriend of the moment. And she'd have the nerve to complain after the fact that he ignored her the whole time as he played WoW.

I couldn't deal with it any longer, it needed to stop. I didn't want to lose her as a friend, neither did my other friends, so we had an intervention of sorts. Explained how we felt, she said she'd promise to stop. We all cried. But she didn't stop, it only got worse. It was clear the friendship was one-sided. The way I left it with her was this. One day at school, because it was the only time I would sometimes see her, I confronted her. I said simply "It's become very clear that you don't care about our 11 years old friendship. If you decide you actually want to be a friend, you make the effort. I'm exhausted, I'm not going to do all the work anymore."

Long story short, she didn't make any effort. It was the last time we spoke. I wasted tears and time on a friendship that wasn't getting any better. Though it hurts at first, I was better off than with a dead-beat 'friend' who I'd cry over during our 'friendship'.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Avoiding the unavoidable

You know how when you are walking around in life avoiding any decision possible? You just avoid having to make a decision like the plague. You are just trying to enjoy life and not think about the bad that has happened. Basically you are (in a sorta complicated way) trying to heal yourself while not moping around.

But then it happens... someone forces you to think about your feelings. You are forced to make a decision on how to handle it.

Okay, so maybe this is just me. Recently, I was given some information by a very close friend of mine from college. I was forced to make a decision on how to handle it when he decided to come visit me.

It is easy to avoid it when they are aren't around, I have found. I like to take things as they go. In my mind- the last thing I have been thinking about lately is who I have feelings for. So, this heap of information bombarded me and my *simpleness*.

I finally came to the conclusion-that really was quite simple because it is how I am- that I just had to be completely honest. I especially wanted to be honest because he is one of my best friends from college and more like a brother to me.

I maybe have felt a bit uncomfortable and not been able to hide it, but I did stay true to myself and told him how I was feeling. Things are getting back on track now...I think.

Even when you try to avoid it at all costs life is full of an infinity amount of decisions to be made. They may not  feel like they are decisions because they come so naturally to us and are ultimately a part of what makes us who we are. But they are decision nonetheless.

Have a great weekend all!

<3 Tracey

Oh and just so you all know Stephanie and I will be switching days starting with next week. I will be on Sunday and Steph with be posting on Thursdays.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

BFFN: Best Friends For Now!

Decisions. decisions...
To be or not to be?
Yes, no, maybe so?
Peanut or plain?


According to studies, your brain makes decisions ten seconds before you even realize it. Which is why sometimes the words we yelp out to others in self defense during an argument are often regretted. It seems by the time we compose ourselves and begin to recount every dagger thrown we wish more and more to have taken old advise; to think before we speak. The decision that often follows this regret however is not made so unconsciously... it is the decision to keep or not to keep the person with whom you argued, in your life. Sometimes the daggers are in to deep having drawn amounts of blood that make it impossible for the relationship to be revived.

Two weeks ago I fought with my best friend, the words were spit in drunken rage and those ten seconds were extended up until the next day. I woke up the next morning feeling bruised and guilty. I recall few of the things that I responded to her, and although hurtful, I am confused because they were all true. Truths she did not want to confront yet. Truths I threw in her face and truths she threw in mine. I began digging my subconscious for answers and some sort of solid memory but the only part I could focus on where the last words she said to me. My brain decided they were unforgivable words and up until today I agree.

But what about when you don't agree with your unconsciously decisions? How do you proceed? How do you decide how to apologise? Can you apologise for being honest?

Another thing I remember having fought about that night was so superficial, yet eye opening in a sense. My once best friend happens to be very vain. She told me she did not think I was pretty and I had been finding her to be uglier and uglier as the weeks passed. I like to think that I see with my heart. If I like someones soul then I can't help but find them beautiful. Therefore if she saw something unpleasant when she looked at me and I saw something equally unpleasant when I looked at her... then maybe we have run our course in each others lives. Not only can I function properly without her, but I function at a higher level. She seems to be doing just fine as well, in a world much too immature for me to continue participating in happily.

A lot of factors need to be taken into account when making decisions... but sometimes the choice has been clear longer than we have wanted to let ourselves realize and ten seconds is more than enough time...


Monday, August 1, 2011

Weighing the Pros & Cons

First of all, apologies if this is short. This isn't a day when I really want to talk at great lengths about things like decisions. You can find all the dirty details of my day at my personal blog (see info at end of blog).

I'm not big on making decisions. At least in a way that people like. You see, I'm what they call "impulsive" -- I act on feeling versus logic, never think it through, etc.. Yeah, that's me in a nutshell, I have rationalising and I hate logically weighing the pros and cons of a choice.

Well, that doesn't always necessarily do the very best for me. In other words, being "impulsive" usually ends up meaning "why don't you ever use your brain, Vicki?" which is pretty understandable and I often think that too after I put my foot in my mouth about fifty times in one sitting by jumping on the whole "listen to your heart" train.

Being impulsive has led to frequent breakdowns, panic attacks, and even a couple big fights in my relationships with people. It's not a good habit, even though some of the time I do manage to work things out so that they end nicely and not in a train wreck.

I guess when it comes down to it, all I can really tell you is to carefully analyse a situation. Don't just go for something because it sounds like a brilliant idea first glance, actually think about it. I've been dealing with a personal choice of my own for the last few weeks that I finally decided to sit and talk about with the other person it involves. Acting on an impulse in this instance could seriously hurt me emotionally in the long run, so I've weighed out the pros and cons and put the ball in another person's court this time to let them have their say so I can make that final call. And I know ultimately what I've decided in this instance, but I'm not going to go for it until I find out what I want to know.

So, again, my apologies for the rather short and choppy post that is tonight's message. It hasn't been a good day and you can find a short blurb here on my personal blog. It's just been a really long day and I'm exhausted.

I hope everyone's doing well and has a lovely week.

Vicki xxx