Bittersweet

Comfort. The word itself sounds cuddly and happy. To me, however, it is bittersweet. Like anyone I crave that feeling of comfort. It is like safety and love mixed up into one fantastic feeling. But the fact of the matter here is that, for me, it never feels quite right.

I don't mean to say that I never feel comfort or that I don't have comforts. What I am trying to portray is that in my life I am used to things not lasting, people not sticking around, losing things I care about.  This has affected me a great deal. Not that I let it get the best of me. I definitely know myself and I do possess a huge heart and I am always willing to let others in and give of myself in return. However, these discomforts leave me with that bittersweet feeling. While other may sometimes get too comfortable, I sometimes do the opposite. I don't let myself get comfortable enough. I have a sense of anxiety at times with people that are not my family. This is not to say that I do not trust these friends, or whomever they may be, in my life. But I will have this unsettling feeling that causes me to think that something is wrong. Now that I think of it it may have something to do with starting to feel comfortable.

Throughout my life, there have been a lot of friends and family that have passed away...friends that have ran away... situations where my life would be thrown upside down and changed. I adapted with all of these changes. I pride myself in being able to remain optimistic and my bubbly self at every turn. I do, oddly, love that my life has not been as normal as most would think. However,I must STRESS it hasn't nearly been as rough as the lives of some of the people I have met and know.

When I start to feel comfortable in the least bit something goes off in my head, a switch of sorts. After this switch is flipped a siren goes off in my head yelling at me, "Do something! This is going to go away! Grab it! Do something different!"

I think I have done this in a lot of situations in my life. At one instance, I got so comfortable with my life and that switch flipped. I then became obsessed with having a good body. I thought: I need to take care of this then I will feel okay. That idea spiraled when my comfort became reaching my goal weight. I began to switch things up with my exercise routine and my food intake. When I would reach that weight, I would seek a new comfort, a new goal weight. I became comforted by the idea that I could control my weight. I started to exercise way more than I needed to and I wouldn't really let myself eat anything else but a salad or some soup, if anything. This happened until finally I was 72 pounds at 20 years old.

This was when I realized how to channel my discomfort, at those points, into healthier things. I find that however bittersweet it can be the friends I have had at various points in my life have always been there for me. No matter how long they remained in it. So now I have found comfort in the things I know are real. I know I meet great people all over the place. I know that I love to be there for others as much as, if not more than, others have been there for me. Lastly, I know I have a wonderful family.

Today, I was able to relish in one of those comforts. I was able to visit my older sister and her 3 month old twin boys. There is something about holding a baby in your arms that is extremely comforting. It brings extreme joy to see my nephews! They are so innocent and unharmed by the world. They are beautiful. A simple smile from them can make you want to burst from happiness. They can make you feel so important. :)

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Now time to rest from this long day! :)

<3 Tracey