Winston & I

During the last year, I ended up learning a lot about myself, but in the process, I managed to fail just about every which way to Sunday to put it lightly. I failed in hobbies, clubs, work, school, friendships, relationships – it really was just not my year. I was extremely down on myself because of how rotten my luck had been between January and April. I was sinking back into a depressive rut that I had found myself in two summers before when I was fifteen. It was a downward spiral and a fight that I battled every morning and throughout the day. It often reached the point where I honestly didn’t want to get out of bed in the morning to go to class. I would purposely make myself late, dawdle and drive around for a while before I finally went in only to have detention. I would cut class, forge notes and signatures, skip meals, lie about things I “did” – all things that I had never advocated before or even considered doing became common place activities. I never did drugs or harmed myself in such an extreme way as I never reached that point, luckily, though I won’t lie that there were times when I really did consider the possibility of doing stupid things because of how miserable I was with myself. I wasn’t accustomed to failure. I didn’t fail. And if I failed, I partook in self destructive behaviour that really didn't make things any better. Nothing I did fixed my problems. I was, in my own eyes, a lost cause and so I punished myself by beating up on myself constantly on top of the scoldings from my parents. I hid how terribly I was feeling quite well to the point where I really didn’t even realize that I had sunk back into that place until after I began to claw my way out.

I often think now that the saving grace came during my AP European History class in the spring while we studied the Second World War. I received a packet and was instructed to read it – it was a pamphlet that detailed Winston Churchill’s rise to power from boyhood. Afterwards, we were to compose an essay explaining why Winston Churchill was the last great European leader and why he was more or less responsible for the saving of Europe from Nazi Germany. It seemed like it was going to be yet another miserable few days of work in a class that I was wishing would end (though at the same time I found myself praying for more time when it came to the exam that was fast approaching).

As I read it, I found myself really beginning to enjoy Churchill. Before, I’d always viewed him as being a witty man who coined some of my favourite quotes, such as, “[...] never flinch, never weary, never despair,” "If you're going through Hell, keep going," and “We are all worms, but I do believe I am a glow worm.” These were the things I often hung in my locker at school to keep my head up on down days when it seemed like everything had gone to Hell. Slowly, I began to see that so much of Churchill’s life wasn’t handed to him, but forged by his own hand and his will, which was practically indomitable.

(This is a light Churchill bio, some of the facts might be off, but you can either read it or skip it. My feelings will not be hurt if you do. :))

Winston Churchill was born to a fairly wealthy, noble family as the son of a politician restricted by society and a mother who was the daughter of an American tycoon. His father, Randolph, died at forty-five, while Winston was still a young man, leaving Winston with next to nothing to inherit and a determination to leave his mark on the world quickly out of the fear that he would die young as well. Besides the pittance that Churchill received from his father’s estate, he had also done poorly in school, which barred him from a career in law which he had aspired to pursue. Seeing no other alternative, Churchill joined the Royal Military College (after failing the entrance exam thrice, mind you). He elected to enlist within the cavalry due to the fact that he did not have to learn mathematics, which he did not care for. He travelled to India and Africa on a handful of occasions as well as numerous other locations, often enlisting family ties to achieve such feats. As time went on, he married and settled down with Clementine, who he would remain with until his death in 1965 at the age of 90. Throughout his life, Churchill battled with depression, often using his writing as a source of therapy and he became an acclaimed author. As most everyone else knows, he also rose to prominence in the British Parliament, eventually becoming Prime Minister during the Second World War where he led Britain fiercely into battle against Adolf Hitler’s regime.

(End Churchill bio)

By the time I had finished reading about Churchill, I realized that for the first time I had found a figure that I really connected with. I had found a larger than life character that, in essence, lived the life I’ve wanted to make for myself. I want to travel and to get out of here, to make something of myself and to really achieve something with my life that will satisfy me. There’s a quote about Churchill which says, “Winston Churchill lived the life every man dreams of, he’s survived 500 gun fights and drank 20,000 bottles of champagne.” I don’t believe that I want to drink 20,000 bottles of champagne or risk myself in 500 gunfights, but I do believe Churchill gave me back the hope I had lost in myself. And I know that I finally found someone who made something of himself when he had almost nothing, nearly lost everything from his own failures, fought against his own inner demons on numerous occasions only to win, and is still admired today as one of the greatest political leaders in history.

I oftentimes think that reading that packet is what gave me enough strength to hold my head up and I genuinely believe that Churchill's story was responsible for me not having a mental breakdown when I continued to crumble. So I don’t view an idol as a role model as much as I do view an idol as someone that inspires you. An idol should be someone who motivates you and gives you strength to carry on, regardless of how “conventional” they may be. My idol is a portly Englishman who had a speech impediment, poor family relations, and lived his life before I was even a twinkle in my father’s eye. He lived in a world that is completely different to the reality in which I currently do, however he still inspires me, as all idols, or role models, should. They shouldn’t be someone that encourages you to give up or spreads a negative message, but rather someone that can transcend the boundaries of time and distance to really make you believe that you’ll also be great someday and that you can achieve your dreams despite any odds. I'm lucky enough to have found that in Winston.

Have a nice week, everyone. 

Vicki xx