The House Always Wins



Or Do You ?



I have been in a heavily medicated trance for about four days now, hopping in and out of epson salt baths and being forced to wear panties in order to exude some sense of decensy at the chiropractors office; all these current factors have me feeling less than sexy. So i needed a while to summons the sex kitten that I hope liners deep within me.

I strongly believe sexuality is fueled by confidence, a confidence that I personally find altered when perfumed lightly yet notibly, when bare below for the sake of subtle rebellion and most of all when I am smooth and stuble free; not having to think twice about putting on the shortest of shorts!... dresses!!... skirts!!! ;)

The first time my sexuality ever manifested itself into a relationship I was sixteen, he was seventeen and insistent. At that moment I recognized resistance as my greatest turn on. As I have evolved and matured in more ways than the obvious, I have lost the thrill of the tease and the chase and have instead located pleasure in owning myself. I like waking up every morning without regret and equal or sometimes more pride. A lot of my friends used their sexuality as bate, but the fish will only stick around so long before it flees hungrily. They thought sex guaranteed the love they saught after and found shortly that the link between the two is weak and practically unexistant. Watching them be consumed and and left tainted, scarred by bites of previous lover only caused me to view sex as more of a gamble rather than an investment. Though I believe to have been smart with sex and my sexuality, owning myself longer than anyone in my family (immediate and not) has been able to and presenting myself as respectfully as anyone in this generation can does not mean I don't lust like the celibate preist taking in the kinky details of an adulterers sins.

Another thing that has come with age is the expectance of my experience, suitors desire to date me in hopes of eventually having me. Little do they know, no one has ever had me, and despite the sexuality they sense from me... I don't know how to be had. Though inexperience in itself is sometimes found that much more alluring, for me it is sometimes uncomfortable. Men/boys sometimes think you have been holding out your whole life for the likes of them... ??? And honestly, I think I have forgotten what/who exactly I was holding out for. I see myself dismiss some of the worst and even best of men/boys, prefering to seek refuge and comfort in my virginity. 

 However next month I will be twenty and the only person I am teasing is God, he probably thinks I am one more "I'm not ready" away from running into a convent :P

This is another thing in my life in which I have reached zero realizations about. I am just as lost at nineteen as I was at sixteen. My "the house always wins mentality" is still strong, I'm just wondering at what cost.

-Camii

(sorry for the late post, and i actually did it hours ago, i just forgot to sign my name like always :P)