Forever and Ever

One day I was sitting in my living room watching television with my family. I looked over at my parents and thought... these people are each other's best friend. They really don't talk to anyone else. Possibly a friend or sibling every once in a while. They sort of talk to their co-workers but it doesn't seem like it is about very much of importance. They hang out with other couples sometimes too. But really they are what each other has for the most part.

(My parents and I)

Sitting there I had this horrible feeling in my stomach. It freaked me out. I have always been a believer in love and marriage. Even though I have seen some stuff through my parents. While in high school my dad cheated on my mom and we went through a very trying time. But they stayed together. That solidified what marriage meant to me. No matter that it may affect trust issues or the what not. Marriage is meant to be for good. Marriage is forever and forever.

I am definitely of the ideal that if i get married or when I get married that I take that very seriously. There will ultimately be no divorce if I have anything to say about it. I know that one cannot always get what they want. I also understand that it may not go the way I would like it.

Since a young age when I had my first "boyfriend," I have always felt almost sick when I would get affectionate pet names or gestures from them. It always made me want to drop everything and run to the farthest place from that point. It has always confused me. I am perfectly okay with diving into something with a guy who is totally wrong for me or just easy to be with... those "bad" guys I guess you would say. It was easy to do that. But the good guys the ones that would the good best friend type like my parents have... Those guys I would get to that first time they would say something great or call me a nice little name or give a great gesture and then I would bolt. I would convince myself... I don't have the same feelings as they do.

But I think that is how I know that I am definitely not in the place for marriage. It could have something to do with the fact that I am not currently dating or in love with someone as to why I have that feeling right now. But I don't think that explains all the other times. I think that always helps a little bit to put you in the place for that kind of a commitment. I am not surprised though. My older sister waited a while to get married and she acted exactly as I do. She is extremely happy now and has twin boys in her world now :)

That gut wrenching feeling I had in my stomach was scary. I think that is because it is a scary step in someone's life... to be ready to have that person be the one you have when most of your friends get married and your siblings go places... they will be that person you talk to at the end of every work day... not your parents.

Ultimately I think the forever and ever made my stomach jump around a little bit in me there. Letting myself love someone that much is terrifying. I know I am definitely capable. I do feel very intensely like that quote I put in my post about shame. "Honey, at least you have the courage to feel. You feel everything so deeply. You're your father's daughter." 

(my college roommate and her husband on their wedding day)

I am sure when it is the right person it will all make sense. But for now I am not going to search. I am quite content and comfortable in myself. I'd rather be alone and happy than married and miserable. My parents give me a lot of hope though. Even with everything that has happened, they love each other more than ever.

Have a great week all!

<3 Tracey