Shame on Me

"Eve After the Fall" - Auguste Rodin

I could sit here and preach about how shame is a waste of time just like embarrassment (which is different from shame don't let anybody tell you otherwise). But isn't shame just evidence that we have a conscience? Shame is a really sh-t feeling, yeh, but it also is indicative of something really great in human beings...the ability to feel bad about something.

I'm not talking about when someone guilt trips you into something. I'm talking about when you see something you've done and you feel like you want to shrink into the size of a penny and lock yourself away because you want to work on yourself and fix the crap you've done. When you feel like you've messed up so badly that you don't deserve the people in your life that are wonderful.

I don't usually feel shame. I grew up surrounded by selfish people who always made me feel bad for things that really weren't bad at all, like using a certain basketball hoop in the gym when I wanted to practice, or not placing at a music competition, or wanting to leave a really boring party. So I had a dulled sensitivity to feelings of remorse or shame. I just kind of did what I do and if what I did really upset people when I didn't mean to upset them (like I dunno I didn't text them back fast enough because I was in the shower or whatever) I didn't try to make it up to them by sucking up or anything. That's nothing, I realized. That's not real shame. Shame is a withering, horrible combination of feeling like you f-cked up really badly and let down someone you really love. Really, anything less than this shouldn't even be paid any lasting attention. Not to discount other people's shame, of course.

I felt that kind of shame when I messed up really badly last year and really hurt my closest friends by letting the stress of transfer university acceptance limbo manifest itself in some really stupid, hurtful words. I felt so small. I had never done anything like that before...and what I did wasn't something I normally had in my repertoire because it just wasn't me. I was ashamed that I had 1) been capable of such an ass move and 2) hadn't stopped myself from doing it. It ruined our friendship, which hasn't been the same since. Do people ever get over this shame? I'll let you know if I ever find out. This is something where every day I wish I could go back and reverse everything back to the way it was.

And the funny-except-not-really thing is, it's like I've been marked by shame. Ever since I did that awful thing, I've gained stress/unhappy weight, I'd had dark circles under my eyes, I've just been a lackluster person. I had been blacklisted and it showed.

This guy knows what I'm talkin' about.

Sometimes other people will make you feel ashamed even if you have no reason to. When this happens, you can choose whether or not to let it bother you. But when you actually do something that you, yourself, really should be ashamed of, you will know. It will haunt you everyday––think having your liver eaten daily a la Prometheus. Let this be a warning...try not to let the little shames bother you.

xo
E.

Apologies for posting late! I forgot to click publish post yesterday....derp.