Weak or strong?

Everyone has their own story. Every girl has her own struggle with body image. They are all very different. Some get engulfed. At least that is how I view it. But is the girl who never succumbs to those thoughts stronger than the girl who keeps away from the destructive behavior? I sometimes wonder what other people think about that question.

The reason I ask is because I view myself as a very strong individual. There has not been a consistent presence in my life besides my family that I could lean on. When it comes to very sensitive issues, it is so easy to hide those things from your family. So that said, I believe I have made it through a lot of really tough life experiences on my own strength. I have become a very independent woman. I value that very much.

However, I am one of those girls that has a story not so strong when it comes to body issues... some would say. I am stronger now through getting to the other side of it.  I let you all know earlier in our posts that I have had a struggle with body issues. This is due partly to my A-type personality... the desire to be perfect... the use of control in it all.  I do agree that the media and our social environment have a lot to do with a woman's desire to look a certain way. But I also know that that wasn't why I gave in to my insecurities. My main thing was control. There is that saying that when things in your life seem to be uncontrollable you tend to control some aspect of it; whether it be through partying, sex, etc. I found my control in my weight. I also know girls who have agreed with me that their struggles got out of control due to their needs for control.

Again, I ask: Does someone's need for control make them weaker than another? I honestly don't know how to answer that question some days.

"I don't remember the first day I felt unbeautiful..." That line is part of a song by the girl band Superchick called "Courage."

This song is a great tribute to those that fight through this disease. I think it takes courage to get through that sort of a thing. I know that because I KNOW that I have great courage.

I am not sure actually the first time it seemed like a good idea to not eat. I have not really explained to someone in extent what it was that I went through. I do know that I always had very skinny friends when I was younger. I thought I should be that way because it was the norm for me.

But I digress. Sometime during my sophomore year of high school I was going through some things. I had lost all my friends due to high school drama. You know. I am mad at you. I don't know why though. Also, my "perfect" family found out that my dad was cheating on my mom. We went through a lot of hard days through that time. I lost one of my close friends in a car accident. It seemed to be a snowball effect. So, I started working out. I was trying to be healthy. Then I started counting calories. Then I started weighing myself every morning and night. Then I started sneaking into the basement at night to workout. Then I started skipping meals, faking reason why I wasn't going to eat this meal or that meal. I thought I was hiding it.

I graduated high school and made the move to college. My roommate looked to me for a workout buddy because I was so "fit."  Then I started finding things to be involved in so that I wouldn't have to eat meals with anyone. I went through a whole year in college. I came home and people were worried. They asked a lot of questions. I always had answers though.

I worked out religiously in college. I weighed myself all the time... way too much. Everyday it was a new goal. Oh I am 100 pounds. I want to be 95. No, I want to be 90. No, I want to be 80. Until I got down to about 72 pounds.

One day at the end of the summer I went to weigh myself. I realized, FINALLY, that this was not good. I talked to my parents and we decided that I would start counseling at college since they offered free therapy for those types of situations.

This is the part that is hard to talk about... the part that I have only told one person. I was not okay after therapy. On the surface it looked good. I was gaining some weight back because I wasn't exercising anymore. But, I wasn't eating everything that people thought I was. I was spitting my food up. I was hiding it in napkins. I had so many tricks.

My saving grace, my guardian angel though was my roommate that I had had since freshman year. She eventually could see what was going on. She confronted me. It didn't change immediately. But eventually she got me to start eating again. It took a while though. I have been through a couple relapses. That's what happens.

But I did find things that helped me get through to the other side of the disease; channeling the need for control to something else. I have writing. I have my CLEAN room (as silly as that sounds). There are ways to get through these things. I haven't really gotten into all the details because well.... I really don't want to bore everyone with a BOOK on this topic.

It is a terrible thing for anyone to deal with. You don't have a good sense of self when the disease has a hold on your brain. You look in the mirror and see something that isn't there. You look in the mirror at 72 pounds and think... This is beautiful.

Now I know... my weight doesn't define me. Not in the least bit. Through the struggle of this issue I have found who I really am. I am a spitfire. I am a talker, I am a lover, I am passionate and compassionate. I love order, but I love to be spontaneous and enjoy the little things. I want to experience all there is to experience in this life. I want to travel. I want to do some crazy things.I want to help in other countries. I want to volunteer at an oil spill. I want to do some incredibly boring, relaxing things. I want to have a family and go on trips.  I am beautiful.

How can one do all those things when they are focusing on ONLY their weight?

I'll tell you it is pretty impossible.

Weak or strong? I'd like to think strong. You may have a different opinion. But I know I beat it, and I think that is all that matters for me. I pray that people don't have to get EXPERIENCE to get to that realization of self image, self worth, and self respect.

eeeek. Sorry this one was so long! I know this might be a lot of information that you don't want to read. It may put you down. I am not offended if you don't. I just made a pact with myself that for now I was going to pour myself out into my writings. I want to be an open book.

Thank you for reading. You are all beautiful people :) Peace and blessings to you all.

<3 Tracey