Mistakes turned to shame?

"We're not perfect, any of us. We make mistakes. We screw up. But then we forgive and we move forward. Honey, at least you have the courage to feel. You feel everything so deeply. You're your father's daughter." - The Last Song

My first thought when I hear the word shame is guilt over something you have done. To be ashamed of something is usually to not want people to know that something. I believe the shame in things you have done can make one very vulnerable when faced with those things of which they are ashamed. Being ashamed of things you have done can turn into being ashamed of oneself. 

It is funny when I think about how few people truly know the real me... where I have been and what I've come back from.  Those shames can eat you alive at times. I choose to not let it eat me. But unless directly asked I do not divulge such truths. Even then, it depends on the person.

I wasn't sure if I wanted to write about what I am about to write, but over this past week as I have thought about this word, shame, I have had one nagging thought in my head. I believe this will express such vulnerability from shame that I am talking about... just a preface.

I am ashamed of how "weak" I have gotten at certain points in my life. At one point, I was getting depressed. I didn't find any reason to get out of bed. I didn't want to see my friends. I wasn't happy about myself and the things I had let myself do through my eating and my behavior. I wanted to feel something so badly. I began cutting myself sometimes. When I would get particularly sad is when I would go to this outlet. I saw the open wound and suddenly felt like I could breathe. I don't have far as many scars as people that have resorted to this type of action. I was only doing it for about a year before I realized how terrible of an idea it was, so I am much more fortunate. 

But when I think back about these actions, I feel shame. Deep shame. I am embarrassed that I would do something like that because of my emotions.

I am one with many emotions. I have been known to let them get the best of me... I believe that is part of why I resorted to those things. I have always been one to feel things deeply like the quote I started with says. I think even not feeling like I was feeling anything was felt so very deeply. Something I am really happy to say I have learned to control as of late. It's about learning to stop letting the things you are ashamed of... sad about.. mad about... whatever... letting them go. Take control of your emotions. Every day is what you make it! :)

Another way to deal with things that you have ashamed is turn to a support. This particular instance I felt I could not tell my parents. It was too disappointing for me to know let alone, my parents. But there is a group called To Write Love on Her Arms that I have come to find quite amazing. They are all about helping people in dark places in their lives whether it be drugs, cutting, etc.  They let everyone know they are not alone. It is an amazing group of whom you should really check out!

Many people that are part of this organization or a follower of it get tattoos that say "love" or one of the many phrases that they have made as their own. I am definitely determined to get that tattoo over one of my scars someday.

As I quoted: "We're not perfect, any of us. We make mistakes. We screw up. But then we forgive and we move forward. Honey, at least you have the courage to feel. You feel everything so deeply. You're your father's daughter." - The Last Song

This quote is definitely true and the first relatable thing I thought of besides my "shame." 

Keep Calm and Carry On! :)

<3 Tracey